Sexy “Pizzagra” to whet British appetites

Ours is a strange society. We have certain inescapable idiosyncrasies. There’s an obsession… Ours is a strange society. We have certain inescapable idiosyncrasies. There’s an obsession with sex, as shown by the much-belabored Janet Jackson Titty Controversy and the wild popularity of Viagra.

There’s also an obsession with unhealthy foods, as illustrated by our expanding national waistline. Obviously, it was only a matter of time until these two traditional American values were combined into one sensual, grease-laden product that perfectly captures the essence of modern American society in all its impotence-curing, large-portion-devouring glory.

What’s surprising, though, is that this seemingly all-American innovation comes not from our own land of amber waves of grain and former presidential candidates hawking magical boner pills, but from our seemingly far less sexy and less obese neighbors across the Atlantic, the United Kingdom.

A U.K. supermarket chain bearing the geographically confusing name of Iceland has announced that its tireless research-and-development team has managed to combine aphrodisiacs and pizza into a product they’re calling “Pizzagra.” As a certain columnist more famous than I am might say, I am not making this up.

So it seems the land of bad teeth and bad food is trying to catch up with us in our two favorite categories. But they are going about it in a typically odd, British way. The Pizzagra’s main ingredients reportedly will include artichokes, asparagus, ginger, chocolate, bananas and strawberries.

An Iceland press release stated that the ingredients were chosen because of their traditional value as natural aphrodisiacs, but I have a hard time believing that anyone who tries to choke down those toppings is going to be turned on by the experience.

It may turn out to be too unpalatable for even the British. All things considered though, I guess I’m not too shocked at the United Kingdom turning such a great idea into an inevitable failure. After all, these are the people who lost the biggest empire in history, in addition to inflicting such atrocities as the Spice Girls upon an unsuspecting world.

But the marketing potential of such a food, if done properly, cannot be denied. I wouldn’t be surprised if American restaurants and supermarkets are already working on their own versions of the Pizzagra. And I can guarantee they won’t have any artichokes, asparagus or any other sort of healthy vegetable. That just isn’t our style over here in the States. We like our pizzas with greasy, meaty toppings and our sexual stimulants in pill form.

We also love corporate mergers, so don’t be surprised to see Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, the makers of Viagra, merging with Pizza Hut or Domino’s in the near future to create a true Pizzagra. The sheer genius and universal appeal of such a product is self-evident; I’m surprised no one thought of it earlier. It would undoubtedly become the most popular junk food in the country, even if they can’t get Bob Dole to do the commercials.

So, next time you’re eating fattening, artery-clogging food, stop to think about how much potential is wasted in such food. As the Brits have shown us, such food can turn you on in addition to making you fat.

And likewise, next time you hear about Janet Jackson and her world-renowned right hooter, consider how much better it would have been if she’d been scarfing down a big old slice of pizza at the time of the infamous breast-baring. It’s truly food for thought.

Send Andrew Janik sexy pizza at inscrutable_prolixity@hotmail.com.