Join me in boycotting tyrannical weather

If you’ve been living in a cave for the past week, you’re either lucky or smart; the weather… If you’ve been living in a cave for the past week, you’re either lucky or smart; the weather in Pittsburgh sucks.

Cruel low-pressure systems have dumped inch after inch of snow upon the town, and local temperatures have dipped to seemingly nonpareil lows, leaving Oakland slightly less habitable than the inside of a live cow.

The thermometer did manage to creep above that magical 32-degree mark for just a few hours last Tuesday, turning snow into rain. But as sure as a white Christmas in Vladivostok, the temperature went back into Reaganomics mode and took a prompt and sharp dive into oblivion with the hope that it would spur us to jumpstart the economy through increased scarf and mitten sales, when all it really served to do was make people more grumpy and bitter than normal.

Humanity can’t go on like this, and unless we band together as an angry mob and do something, it never will … until, you know, April. That said, I hereby call upon everyone to join me in a strict boycott of the weather, beginning immediately.

As long as the temperature in Pittsburgh refuses to climb above 65 degrees Fahrenheit (sure, that isn’t realistic for this time of year, but it’s a good point from which to begin bargaining with whomever it is that controls the weather), Pitt students should abstain from so much as leaving their places of residence — be it dorm, apartment, or the taco stand at Eddie’s — for purposes other than to attend a really bitchin’ party. This means no grocery shopping, no trips to the gym, and no class, whatsoever.

This will present you with a great deal of extra time on your hands. As the founder and general secretary of this boycott, I recommend you at least do something productive, such as watching British Parliament on C-SPAN, teaching yourself to read, or sitting at length. Downloading porn and/or episodes of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” are also acceptable alternatives.

Should all go according to plan and the boycott works, at least one and possibly two things will happen. The first is that SGB will vote to re-allocate the more than $6,000 it promised to the United States Student Association and instead use the money to build a machine capable of controlling the weather. Because it would be a practical use for said funds, don’t expect this to happen.

The second thing is that the university will come to realize the severity of the climatic situation and be kind enough not to place all boycott participants on double-secret academic probation — instead, those who are angry enough to follow me can simply stay inside and attempt to outlast the icy wrath of winter’s iron fist.

If you’re sick of having to skate to class instead of walk, if you’re sick of having to thaw out every time you enter a building, and if you’re sick of losing all feeling in your extremities walking between the Cathedral and the Union, join with me, my disgruntled brethren, and boycott the weather!

Matt Wein hasn’t left his apartment in nearly four days and has been living exclusively off a diet of Saltines and green tea. You can reach him at mattwein@hotmail.com, as his newly found free time allows him to religiously check his e-mail once every two minutes.