Suggestions for boinking beyond boundaries of bed

Dear Sex N’At:

I’ve never had sex anywhere but in a boring ol’ bed. How can I go about… Dear Sex N’At:

I’ve never had sex anywhere but in a boring ol’ bed. How can I go about spicing up the locations of where me and my significant other get it on? Also, what would you consider the best campus places to get hot and heavy?

Sincerely,

Tryin’ to Spice it Up

Dear Tryin’:

While bed-sex is reliable and comfy, extra-mattressal intercourse can certainly be spicy, and for a lot of different reasons, depending on where you do it. There’s the “oh my god, we’re surely going to get caught” thrill of doing it someplace public or nearly public, the “take this job and shove it” thrill of flinging everything off the desk and boinking right there in your cubicle, and the sheer freaky-deeky thrill of someplace really weird, like the bathroom.

If you are going for very-nearly caught fun, keep in mind that it’s likely best to be a quickie. Almost getting caught is sexy and produces adrenaline. Getting caught is yicky and produces citations.

Have you discussed this desire of yours with the significant other in question? If they know you are looking for new locations, it shouldn’t be too hard to get them in on the act. Just be prepared to do it at any time. Get into the habit of keeping whatever form of protection you use in your pocket, and the next time the two of you are visiting Gramma and she heads down to the basement to find that old photo album, you two will be ready to get it on on her plastic-coated loveseat before she even forgets why she went downstairs.

If you know you are planning on some just-about-public freakiness, you can plan even further to keep things simpler and more streamlined. If at least one of you is a girl, plan on wearing a skirt and possibly going commando. If neither of you is a girl, well, wearing a skirt may attract a little undue attention, but that’s your call. If the girl in question isn’t in the habit of wearing a skirt, doing so can be a secret agreed-upon signal for the quick-nasty.

Speed is key here — don’t worry too much about everyone involved having mind-blowing orgasms.

Doing it at work is a common fantasy, and one of the hardest to pull off. It also carries with it the possibility for getting fired, which is no fun at all. This one takes the most planning, and in today’s era of Big-Brother style surveillance and card-swiping, it’s the hardest to pull off. Frankly, unless you think you can pull off the perfect crime, I’d advise against trying it — but, if you do, you’ll never look at your desk in the same way.

This can be good or bad. Your job may outlast your sweetie, and if every time you sit down to get some work done, all you can think about is the ex, it may be tough to be productive. You’ll either tear up or smoke will come out your ears, at least for a little while.

As far as just doing it someplace weird, all you have to do is try it. The shower is a common but nonstandard place. Just make sure you have a non-slip mat in there.

If you live in the dorms, please, please don’t ever do it in the shower. I remember being just 18 and trying to take an innocent shower in Holland Hall, only to see a pair of manicured feet sharing one of four tiny stalls with a pair of Hobbit feet. Don’t be that guy. Just don’t.

The outdoors is another good spot — I mean a place where the most likely interrupter is a squirrel or deer and not a beat cop. Wander deep into the forest with your beloved and don’t be afraid to take a bramble to the bum. Wait until the spring for this one, unless you want to risk some really unfortunate frostbite.

If you have guaranteed privacy, the sky is the limit. If you don’t, speed and preparedness are.

The most storied place for on-campus on-getting is, without a doubt, the Cathedral. How to pull it off? You figure it out. It’s a rite of Pitt passage.

Ask Melissa Meinzer a question at sex@pittnews.com.