Dear Kelly: BUCN Edition, 4/3

Dear Kelly,

It’s baseball season again, and that means that my girlfriend is going to abandon me for the other love of her life: the Pittsburgh Pirates. Now it’s all BUCN, all the time — Pirates jerseys, Jolly Rogers, Pirates games, constant flashes of the Zoltan sign and even a life-sized wax sculpture of Josh Harrison (who apparently isn’t even that good) in my living room — and I can’t stand it. I love my girlfriend, but her unhealthy obsession with baseball is ruining my life. How can I tell her how I feel about this?

Help!

Not So Jolly Roger

Dear Not So Jolly Roger,

You only have two choices here. The first is to move away from Pittsburgh until the end of October, at which time the Pirates will likely be wrapping up another historic season and the love of your life will be able to move on from her paramour. It’s not an easy choice to make, but it sounds like you might have to accept that your girlfriend loves Andrew McCutchen and the rest of the Bucs more than she loves you.

The other option is to really embrace the Pirates with the same foaming-at-the-mouth, Jonestown-like obsession that your girlfriend has. Get a tattoo of Jim Leyland on your stomach and start wearing those weird puffy pants that Captain Jack Sparrow wore. Maybe you can even help your girlfriend build a wax sculpture of Gerrit Cole. Nothing creates intimacy quite like mutual insanity.

Good luck,

Kelly

Dear Kelly,

Last year, when A.J. Burnett was a player for the United States of BUCN, I developed an unhealthy obsession with the man. I bought his jersey. I tweeted at him twice a day, every day. I got all of his tattoos and body piercings. I followed him after games. I wished him “Happy Birthday” — even when it wasn’t his birthday. I named my daughter after him. Now that A.J. is a Philthy Phillie, what am I to do? Is it OK to become a Phillies fan, just for this season?

Sincerely,

@BurrNET34

@BurrNET34,

Jumping ship for an old and far-from-nimble organization could be a questionable move, but I think it’s time to ask yourself a crucial question: “Do I love the player, or do I love the game?” If your heart, soul and gut tell you the former, then it’s time to take off the eye patch and move to Philly.  

Will some ostracize you for simply following Burnett? Sure. But how many new Miami Heat fans were there after LeBron joined the team in 2010? How many new Jets fans were there after Brett Favre played a few games for them? How many new Chargers fans were there after they drafted Manti Te’o last year? You get the point.

This man seems to mean a great deal to you, so I wouldn’t suggest giving up on him so easily. And look on the bright side — it’s only a one-year contract, so he could be back to BUCN next spring. Or he could hang it up for good, which would really complicate your relationship with baseball.

Good Buc,

Kelly