Dear Kelly – March 27 2014

Dear Kelly,

My roommates are mean-spirited people, and, honestly, I’m afraid for what this coming April Fools’ Day will hold. Any suggestions for how to prepare or protect myself?

Sincerely,

Scared and Alone

Dear Scared and Alone,

April Fools’ Day can be a stressful time in anyone’s life. But, for those living among pranksters, it can be downright terrifying. Fortunately, I’ve been around the April Fools’ block enough to know that there are indeed ways to protect yourself from the seemingly inevitable misery.

If your roommates are as horrible as you say, then there’s really no point in talking to them. Try adopting a particularly vicious-looking dog to accompany you at all times. (A rottweiler should do the trick.) Just make sure to substitute his leash for a chain — it really adds to the terrifying effect. And if said dog proves to be too much to handle, you can always take him back on April 2. I think.

Should the dog not work — and I don’t see why it wouldn’t — try carrying around a baseball bat or a tire iron and attempt to look as outwardly psychotic and unapproachable as possible while doing so. The constant presence of a blunt, striking instrument will certainly keep your roommates away, unless you live with The Rock. He’s fearless, and there’s nothing I can say or do to protect you from him.

 Finally, you shouldn’t sleep between now and April 2. It’ll be tough, but security always comes at a cost.

Yours always,

Kelly

Dear Kelly,

April Fools’ Day is coming up, and while I’m not a big fan of trickery, I’ve decided that this is the perfect day to get revenge on one of my roommates, whose infatuation with cheap body spray leaves me gagging and afraid to light a match in the house. Any tips?

Looking to cause some mischief

Dear Mischief,

People often think that the ultimate pranks are elaborate, malicious and perhaps downright traumatizing. They’re wrong. The perfect prank is one that leaves the prankster completely safe from any sort of retribution or punishment. Sometimes this is because the person being pranked finds the gag just as funny as you do. Other times it’s because, like a well-executed heist, it all happens in a blur, and by the time they’ve figured out who did it, you’re long gone.

The best way to prank your pungent roommate might be to not prank him at all. Instead, purchase a canister of his favorite body spray, tape down the trigger and toss it into your other roommate’s room. Make sure to have all evidence point back to the initial roommate. Then strap on a gas mask and sit back while your house devolves into a no-holds-barred prank war. When the dust and body spray settles, no one will ever want to catch a whiff of Axe, Bod or any other disgusting deodorant ever again.

Happy pranking,

Kelly