Top ten diets for a better you in 2018

Waist-deep in January, as we currently are, many students find themselves already sitting in the middle of a pile of empty chocolate chip bags and miserably shattered New Year’s resolutions. But kicking yourself over broken resolutions is the last thing you should be doing — we still have 49 weeks left in the year for life-changing, unbridled health success. I’ve compiled a short list of favorites, “proven” to work for students across the country — and I’d strongly encourage you to become a believer.

  1. The Baby Food Diet. 

It’s “infinitely ridiculous,” Cosmo says — or is it?Just picture it — all of your grocery shopping done in one aisle, packing lunches in a pinch, guilt-free snacking — I could go on. Don’t even try to tell me you haven’t fantasized about cracking open a nice jar of peach puree in the morning when you’re rushing to class with no time to fry an egg. This is the stuff of dreams. WebMD outlines the nitty-gritty of this diet, which features 14 jars of baby food a day — that’s SO many meals! — and a real grown-up meal for dinner.

  2. The Clip-Your-Nose-While-You-Eat Diet.

This diet is a perfect fit for those of you infatuated with that state of bliss you feel when you’re two weeks deep into a head cold and haven’t fully tasted anything in at least a few days. Forget special protein bars or restricted eating schedules — all you’ll need to follow this diet is a clothespin. Eat meals as you normally would, but by clamping your nose shut you’ll successfully inhibit your ability to take pleasure in food. Forty out of 10 nose-clamp dieters reported decreased sugar addictions, and one even forgot what marinara sauce tastes like.

  3. The Praying Diet.

You won’t need to throw out your whole-milk yogurts or chocolate cake to follow this diet — just get down on your knees and pray your way to better health. We’ve yet to confirm if this method helps physical health, but it will put you at peace with yourself so you can nonguiltily have another slice of that cake.

  4. The Breatharian Diet.

The lines at the grocery store are too long anyway, so instead of trekking down to Giant Eagle at 10:30 p.m. to buy bread and apples and “necessary” food, take the simple route and just stop eating altogether. Don’t worry, you won’t go hungry — quite the contrary, actually. You’ll get to treat yourself to unlimited quantities of wholesome, free air. As a subscriber to the breatharian diet, you won’t have to worry about your roommates cooking your frozen chicken breasts or stealing your Easy Mac in the night— you’ll be too busy living off of prana, the sanskrit word for “life air” or “life force.”

  5. The Raw Foods Diet.

It’s okay to be uncreative and also be on the raw foods diet, but that means you’ll probably be gnawing on carrots between classes — a great snack if you’re quite hungry, and would prefer to stay that way. But to really experience the raw foods diet, you’ll have to surpass the snacking status quo — we’re talking chicken sushi, egg-white shooters, or a tasty snack of unpopped popcorn.

  6. The Egg Wine Diet.

This one may sound self-explanatory, but allow me to explain. This handy diet allows you to “stuff yourself with water and coffee” all day, anchoring yourself in meals of hard-boiled eggs and glasses of wine. If you decide to take on the egg wine diet, a typical breakfast could be one hard-boiled egg and a glass of white wine. For lunch, amp things up a bit with not only two hard-boiled eggs, but two glasses of white wine. Steak also happens to be compliant with the egg wine diet, but only at dinnertime. You’d also be expected to finish the remains of the day’s wine, before falling fast asleep. This diet has a strict two week duration, although I can think of no reasons to not make this diet a permanent life change. “Wine only have 600 calories per bottle,” the diet’s website says.  “So compare that to a normal blt sandwich that has about the same. What would you rather have. The sandwich or a whole bottle of wine?”

  7. The Outdoors Diet.

There’s a reason this diet doesn’t have the word “indoors” in it — because it’s banned. Cooking indoors is still fair game, but you’ll have to take your Crock-Pot chili out into the snow to eat it. Subscribers to the outdoors diet have reported increased connections to “nature” and a newfound fascination with seeing their own breath swirling around in the January air. Because of these added effects, the diet is only valid December through March. Ideal for self-proclaimed “explorers.”

  8. The Food Forager’s Diet.

An alternative title for this diet is the extreme outdoors diet. Follow the same principles as the diet above, but as a food forager you are not only banned from your kitchen but the grocery store as well. Make like a rugged, urban Snow White and start eating those berries you wonder about every time you run past them in Schenley Park.

  9. The Cotton Ball Diet.

All you need is a quick trip to Rite-Aid to start your own, localized version of “My Strange Addiction” in your kitchen. Many proponents of the cotton ball diet report soaking several cotton balls in orange juice to replace meals that taste good and provide nourishment, like Easy Mac or enchiladas. But truly excelling at this diet will require more from you. Get creative — soak the balls in anything from chicken broth to pickle juice. Or if you’re transitioning out of the egg wine diet, feel free to sop up the rest of your provisions for a cotton ball buzz.

  10. The Tide Pod Diet.

You’ve heard of creating a “word of the year,” and I would encourage you, in 2018, to make that word simple — Tide Pods. Tide Pods are not only a great way to wash clothes, they are a great wholesome snack. Kick your animal crackers to the curb and fill up the pantry with these low-calorie sacs of blue and orange gooey goodness. Get yourself out on the cusp of health greatness by making your insides clean and smelling like a spring meadow in there.

Sarah is the Assistant Opinions Editor of The Pitt News. Write to her at srs165@pitt.edu