Top 10: Master plan must-haves

Pitt is planning to release a Master Plan at the end of this week to outline renovations, new housing options and redesigned transportation routes. When Pitt announced it was seeking student input in 2017 for its Master Plan, we responded, asking for wine in the water fountains and an incline on Cardiac Hill. Now, with Pitt still seeking community input, it’s time to update our demands. Here are the top-10 most pressing issues to students and faculty alike that Pitt must incorporate into this master plan.

10. Underground tunnels

With underground tunnels, students can reliably get to class without facing the weather. Now we’ll never have to cancel class — not even for an online petition.

9. More luxury student housing

C’mon, don’t be silly. The best and brightest don’t come to Pitt to get a world class education. They come because they want to pay $4,000 a semester to live in on-campus apartment-style housing. We see just how important this is to prospective students, so we’ve taken the initiative to sign a multi-million dollar lease for luxury student housing in The Bridge on Forbes. We’ll up the ante next year by acquiring luxury yachts to cruise the Monongahela River for our new, state-of-the-art floating learning environment.

8. Heated seats

One of the biggest complaints we hear from students is that the rooms in Cathy get a little cold in this chilly weather. We’ll update these classrooms to integrate heated seating for an improved learning environment.

7. Tennis courts

Pitt doesn’t have any on-campus tennis courts, which may have played a major role in the termination of the women’s tennis program. We could remedy this by building a tennis court — but a private one, just for Chancellor Patrick Gallagher and Athletic Director Heather Lyke to play a little ‘pinkies up’ tennis.

6. More peregrine falcons

A major focus of the master plan is environmental sustainability. Crows have been a major issue, and recruiting more falcons into the ranks of the Cathedral falcons would allow them to go to town on those stupid birds in lieu of an anti-crow speaker.

5. An extension to the Cathy roof

The Cathedral of Learning holds the distinction of being the tallest educational building in the Western Hemisphere — but not the world. To project global dominance and to steal the spotlight from the Main building of Moscow State University, Pitt must add 255 feet to its height. The obvious solution is for Chancellor Gallagher to take the 75 to the Home Depot in East Liberty and come back with 255 feet of PVC pipe and a couple rolls of duct tape.

4. A ski lift from Fifth Avenue to Chevron

So, Pitt didn’t take our suggestion to move the Duquesne Incline to Cardiac Hill, likely due to the incline’s 142-year history in its current location. But when the polar vortex struck Pittsburgh, countless STEM students couldn’t walk up the incline to Chevron Hall due to icy sidewalks — at the very least, Pitt should ensure student (and facility) safety with a ski lift.

3. A fixed revolving door for Cathy

Pitt contractors have been hard at work fixing Cathy’s revolving doors for at least three generations. It’s our hope that integrating this goal into the master plan will actually make functioning revolving doors a reality.

2. A Fifth Street Market

We made a real genuine effort to deal with the Oakland food desert by establishing Forbes Street Market and charging an entire U.S. dollar for a single banana. It’s our belief that you’re so stupid that you’ll actually fall for this, guaranteed. Coming up next is Fifth Street Market where we’ll charge equally realistic and reasonable prices.

1. A 7-Eleven convenience store

This is no longer satirical. Last time we suggested this it was sarcastic, after the holy institution was murdered by Pitt in 2017 — now, we’re just demanding.