Satire | Residence Hall Horoscopes

Just like you, each of Pitt’s residence halls has its own distinct character. Location, available amenities, in-house communities and other factors make different halls good choices for different people, but it doesn’t hurt to also consult the stars when considering housing options.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Lothrop. It’s a bit of an odd set-up, comprised of mostly single dorms with their own sinks. But you’re unique. You thrive off of the weird. And you’ll thrive in the glory of single-roomed independence, with no roommates to tell you that you can’t survive off of peanut butter and jelly tortillas, cool ranch Doritos and iced coffee. You can’t be stopped. You won’t be stopped. You should be stopped. But for now, keep doing you, Aquarius.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Brackenridge. Just like you, Pisces, it’s often forgotten and has a bit of a mysterious air around it. It’s in the Quad and close to the heart of campus, but when did it get there? What is inside it? Are there students or spirits roaming through those halls? After living there for a whole year, fueled by living off of caffeine, confusion and melatonin, drifting through the Brack-Zone, I still don’t have any good answers.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Sutherland East. Aries, ruled by Mars (the god of war), is most at home in Sutherland East, living among the student athletes. Yes, Sutherland is all the way up “Cardiac Hill,” but if anyone has the energy and stamina to make it to upper campus every day, it’s you, Aries. And if you still have energy after hiking to upper campus, you can hit up Pitt’s best gym, Baierl Rec Center, inside the Pete. After this year, you’ll have calves of steel.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Sutherland West. It’s home to the First-Year Honors Housing Community, and just like honors students, you’re persistent and unyielding in the pursuit of what you want. Whether that energy is directed toward passing Chem 1, running toward the 10A as it drives away or even snagging the last grilled cheese from The Perch on the most blessed of days — grilled cheese day — you know how to actualize your goals.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Holland Hall. Gemini is a mutable sign, representative of change and adaptability, which fits perfectly with Holland Hall. The residence hall recently became co-ed after years of existing as an all-female residence hall, showing it has the ability to adapt to the changing student body. The kooky room configurations, varied closets and, of course, the occasional resident in a bathtub in the communal bathrooms reflects the spirit of Gemini: a pendulum swinging between deep confusion and utter joy.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Home. Not your childhood home, but your first South Oakland apartment. Cancers love their creature comforts, and nothing says creature comforts like coming back to your humble abode after a hard day of lectures and looking over your dominion — filled with the three mismatched folding chairs you found on Bates, the “packet drawer” bursting with duck sauce and chopsticks from Szechuan and your roommate sitting on the kitchen floor, eating veggie chips. There’s no place like home!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Nordenberg. You’re flashy and showy, just like Pitt’s newest and most coveted residence hall. There’s nothing more fabulous than the central location, patio area and University-provided TVs, mini-fridges and microwaves. Is it a little too luxurious? Possibly. However, picture yourself in the fantasy, in a beautiful boudoir gently brushing your hair with a gold comb, carefree, while your University-provided mini-fridge whirrs in the background, keeping your pint of Phish Food frosty. Now ask yourself: Do I deserve it? Absolutely.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Forbes Hall. Home to the Engineering Living Learning Community, this residence hall gives off that analytical, detail-oriented energy that really makes you tick, Virgo. Forbes Hall provides you with the quiet atmosphere necessary to solve everything from your dreaded physics 1 homework to the most heart-wrenching of endeavors: getting that sad little Opportunity Rover back from space. Rest in Peace, Oppy.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Tower B. You’re always in the middle of the action and love being in a group of friends, which makes Tower B and its whopping 769 students a perfect match for you. Its circular hallways and double rooms are perfect for socializing with your floor, and its central location is perfect for interacting with the rest of Oakland. Before you know it, you’ll be in a lounge — on every third floor — watching old episodes of Flavor of Love and reliving the drama of every iconic New York vs. Pumpkin moment, and, really, that’s what Tower B is all about.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Tower C. Compared to the other two towers, it can seem like a bit of a loner, a dorm for those who seek isolation, a place where it’s difficult to make friends. But that’s not true, Scorpio. Tower C’s single dorms allow you to be as independent as you like, while still being centrally located. You can watch over all the drama in Tower’s lobby at 1 a.m. on a Friday, with the full knowledge that you can escape back to your room. It’s kind of like you get to watch your neighbors squabble over Karen’s dog tearing Christine’s hydrangeas a new one, all from the comfort of your front porch.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Tower A. You’re social and charming, yes, but you’re so much more than that, Sagittarius. Like Tower A, you’re also always down for a little adventure, whether that adventure is sprinting the stress away in the Towers gym, or going downstairs to eat a bagel and take, say, four oranges with you when you leave. You love being the center of attention, just like the rest of the Towers, but your fiery energy really sets you apart.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Bruce. It’s home to the Pitt Business Living Learning Community, and, just like business students, you know how much hard work pays off. Capricorns are like a half-mullet: business in the front and … well, business in the back. But that’s just how you like it. You’ll feel right at home with these like-minded folks, and, of course, the rumored Ghost of Suite 1201. Spooky business — what’s not to love?

Allison Dantinne primarily writes satire and humor for The Pitt News. Write to Allison at and163@pitt.edu