Editorial: Top 10 alternative uses for Pitt food robots

Pitt might be preparing to close Bigelow soon, but all other Oakland streets will remain open to the food robots rolling along the sidewalk, currently in their pilot phase. 

Because walking a quarter mile to buy dinner is too difficult — and we mean that without a hint of sarcasm — these food robots just bring dinner to us. While we’re at it, here are the top 10 other things we’d like the food robots to do for us.

10. Mediate grad student union elections

It seems like the University could use a hand with this, especially when it comes to the grad student union.

9. Hand out citations

We feel like it would be a lot more emotionally taxing to disappoint one of these cute little robots than it would be to disappoint another human being. So, it only makes sense that the food robots will curb misconduct.

8. Adopt them as pets

This one is for all of the landlords who won’t let us have pets. Food robots don’t shed, bark, claw at guests or pee in random places. Plus, they’re hypoallergenic. Name a more perfect pet. We’ll wait.

7. Transport your laundry

We never thought we’d miss the Towers laundry room and its $1 washers and dryers until we moved to South Oakland and had to pay $2.50 per wash and an additional $2.50 to use the dryer in the local laundromat. The food robots solve this problem. They can transport our laundry from South O to Towers, and then back after it’s dry. The best part is we won’t even have to get out of bed.

6. Fill in for all the injured d-linemen on the football team

Food robots can’t get injured, and therefore, they can’t let us down. This might be the beginning of the ninth Pitt induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

5. Personal bodyguards

The Blue Light System and Safe Rider are great, but just think how cool we’ll look walking home from Hillman at 2 a.m. with a robot bodyguard — that can also stop at Lotsa to pick up a pizza on the way.

4. Calling the Cathedral elevators

Based on our completely fair, unbiased and un-researched opinion, it takes an estimated 13 minutes for a Cathy elevator to arrive after punching the number buttons. Unless you urgently need to be somewhere, in which case the elevator takes about three years. Send your robot ahead of you to call the elevator. This way, the elevator will be waiting when you’re running to your philosophy professor’s office hours.

3. Use them to create more traffic on Bigelow

There is no heartbreak deeper than watching the 10A you want to ride pull away on a rainy fall day. If utilizing food robots as transportation won’t work, then we should use them to hold the 10A for us when we’re running late. There’s already so much traffic on Bigelow — why not create more? Plus, the street will be closing soon, so we might as well go out with a bang.

2. Use them instead of the 10A

Just take us right to The Perch. We don’t want to walk to the Pete or Trees Hall. Or stand at the Bigelow 10A stop, for that matter.

1. Call Panther Central

We’ve never called Panther Central and not subsequently been on hold for 20 minutes. We pay an arm and a leg in tuition. If the food robots can’t fix the air conditioning in our residence halls, the least they can do is make the phone call.