Editorial: Top 10 uses for the Downtown sinkhole

There’s a big hole in the center of Pittsburgh, and it isn’t a metaphor. It’s been three weeks since the G31 Bridgeville Flyer iconically sunk backward into the road. The bus has since been removed, but the gaping hole to the underground remains. If you think Pitt’s institutional Master Plan is brilliant, wait until you see the Editorial Board’s master plan for the sinkhole Downtown. These are our top 10 uses for the giant hole on Penn Avenue.

10. Swimming pool

Downtown doesn’t have a swimming pool — or at least a swimming pool that’s legal to swim in. Yeah, we’re talking to you, The Point. That’s why we propose filling the sinkhole with water — hot water, right now — and turning it into a community pool. Swim at your own risk. No lifeguard on duty. Life jackets strongly encouraged.

9. Homework excuses 

Nobody really knows what’s down there. But whatever is down there could probably eat your homework. If you find out, send us a tip at tpnopinions@gmail.com.

8. Sinkhole pop-up shop

Pittsburgh has its holiday pop-up shops in Market Square yearly. This year, we think they should add the sinkhole pop-up shop. The merchandise is already flooding the streets — sinkhole donuts, ornaments, cupcakes and wine glasses.

7. Ramen

Oakland is no longer a food desert, but Downtown still partially is. We propose filling the sinkhole with instant ramen and water. It’s a buffet-style outdoor restaurant, featuring every college student’s favorite food. We can already picture the six-star rating on Yelp.

6. Historic landmark

As a general rule of thumb, if a Pittsburgh site — like the sinkhole — becomes a semi-popular Halloween costume, it should probably be made a historic landmark.

5. Bury a time capsule in it

Considering Pittsburgh’s infrastructure record, this sinkhole is probably going to open up again at some point within the next 100 years. It would be cool to find historical artifacts from 2019 inside. Things we think should be included — a copy of the Mueller Report, the Joker movie illegally copied to a DVD and a rundown of the college admissions scandal. Maybe a few TikToks too.

4. Take a nap

If we’ve learned anything in college, it’s that anything can be a bed if you believe in yourself.

3. Host the 2020 Olympics

It’s the perfect place. There seems to be a hotel on every block of Downtown Pittsburgh where tourists and athletes can stay, and if we host the Olympics in the sinkhole underground, then it won’t create any additional traffic in the City, right? We’re sure Tokyo will understand.

2. Host the next G20 summit

According to Time, only about 4,000 people attended the last G20 summit that Pittsburgh hosted in 2009. Attendance was not high enough to significantly boost the local economy. We’re pretty sure the turnout would be relatively high if we held the G20 summit in a sinkhole. Plus, the City won’t even have to pay to rent the venue.

1. A metaphor

We know we said earlier the sinkhole isn’t a metaphor, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t become one. Just think of all of the things it could symbolize — specifically, the holes in Pittsburgh’s City budget. Maybe the English department will give us a grant to engrave a plaque about said metaphor, too.