Satire | January Horoscopes

The new year rolled around and we’re all the same people. While that’s not necessarily a bad thing — really, massive change doesn’t happen after accidentally passing out at 9 p.m. like I did because I now have no concept of a sleep schedule, as I am untethered by responsibility — if you want to make a change but don’t know how to go about it, look to the stars for guidance.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You know that person you text back and forth with every other week, engaging in conversation totaling 20 words, all about getting coffee and then forgetting to get coffee? Your task, Aquarius, should you accept it, is to finally make definite plans with this person — whether it’s that boy in your bio group who always talks over you or the friend from home you haven’t seen since you still had your natural hair color. And if you really just don’t want to get coffee with that boy who failed Bio 1 and still wants to correct you, then don’t. Cut them off. Snip that thread. Either way, evaluate and consolidate your barely there relationships. 

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Write down your dreams. Get yourself a nice notebook and write down what you remember when you wake up. Let your subconscious expand your creativity or fuel some serious internal work on achieving your deep-seated desires. I’m sure you have something worth sifting out of those fantastical hellscapes, Pisces.

Aries (March 21-April 19): I’d like to pose a challenge for you. Take literally 10 seconds, breathe deeply, feel your diaphragm expand, close your eyes and exhale for a bare minimum of 10 seconds — most preferably while listening to or imagining you’re listening to soft piano music — before vague-posting about someone. Just 10 seconds. Also delete your prior vague posts — they’re not getting you anywhere.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): In a similar vein, when you meet someone new, say, in your five new classes this semester, take 10 seconds to really analyze your feelings toward that person before forming an opinion on them that you’re going to stick to forever. Are you actually irritated that they’re using both armrests in the lecture seat or are you just hungry? Do you really hate her voice or were you just socialized to reject feminine vocal fry? I know it’s probably best to just not judge people too soon, but it’s only 2020, and to be real, I’m not gonna ask too much of you, Taurus.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): I know you’ve already decided that you’re going to go to the gym every day, learn a new language, read a book a week, get a 4.0 and cut off caffeine. Your efforts are both cute and valiant. They’re also crazy. What you wanna do is not necessarily what you’re gonna do, so take your list of goals and cut them in half. Every list of goals. That to-do list? Half. That rotisserie chicken? Half. Really Gemini, stop trying to stick a whole rotisserie chicken in your mouth, both physically and metaphorically. 

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Here are the most freeing words in the English language — it’s not personal. Truly. Not everything is personal. When the world feels exhausting and you’re sure every deity has their celestial hands choking your soul in particular, remember that not everything is personal. Take the time to evaluate what’s really directed at you and what’s just people being terrible on their own accord.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Contrary to popular belief and also “Parks and Recreation,” you do not need to treat yo’ self. You don’t need to go out and get wasted after completing one grad school app. You probably don’t need a pint of Halo Top after the first week of classes. The thing that makes “Treat Yo’ Self” day so special is that it’s a release, a well-earned deviation from being an adult, having to watch your rent and utilities vanish from your bank account month after month because apparently that’s what living is. Save the treats for when you really need them — they’ll feel much more satisfying.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You cannot be at a 10 all the time. Consider taking it down to a nine, or even an eight if you’re feeling especially saucy. While the new year is generally the time to pile on more routines and activities to make you feel like a better person, you’re already doing the most at all times. You would probably feel a lot better once you’ve taken the time to slow down, integrate some more unstructured time into your routine and relax. I suggest using your unstructured time to take a bath, pet your neighbor’s cat or play solitaire on your phone.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You cannot please everyone and to be honest, why should you want to? Not everyone is worth your pleasing, Libra. In trying to make everyone else happy, you might be abandoning your own happiness. So take a step back and consider where your wants and needs fit into your relationships. Other people come and go, but you’ve got yourself until death do you part, and possibly even longer. 

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I know it’s hard but stop being petty. I get it. I like leaving people on read for an hour to an hour and a half just to let them know. It’s like asking a Scorpio to stop scorpin’. But is being petty really getting you better results than being up front and honest about your feelings? People aren’t mind readers and vibes can only be read from so many feet away. Next time you want to one-up someone you’re mad at, consider having a conversation with them. If that doesn’t work, then by all means, spam their email with the entire “Bee Movie” script broken up into one line per email. 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Life is an adventure and adventures take financing, of course. So to keep up with your spontaneous, fun-loving spirit, consider checking in with your finances, making a budget and sticking to it. That way you’ll be ready for the last-minute spring break trip to Cancun your friends dropped into the group chat last minute — or for floundering around for a few months while looking for a post-grad job.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Well, it’s Capricorn season, and I’m sure you all already have your resolution picked out and it’s something reasonable, so I guess you don’t need my advice. And really, if I, a lowly Gemini, gave it, would you even listen?

Allison Dantinne primarily writes satire and humor for The Pitt News. Write to Allison at and163@pitt.edu.