Opinion | My top 10 Tinder messages: cringey, creative and comical

Ahhh, Tinder. The dark place we all frequent from time to time “just for fun” or because we “don’t take it seriously.” Personally, I downloaded Tinder about five months ago after coming out of a three-year relationship. I had never been single throughout my time in college and all of my friends seemed to be swiping away, so I thought, why not? It can’t hurt just to give the popular dating app a try.

My experience on Tinder has been varied. From accidentally super-liking people I had no interest in, to matching with people from high school, to receiving uncomfortable messages, I’ve felt all of the awkwardness the app can create. The majority of messages I receive fall into one of three categories — the classic “hey what’s up,” the sexually explicit messages, usually along the lines of “sit on my face,” or hilarious messages that leave me cracking up.

In honor of today’s Sex Edition, I’ve compiled the top 10 out of the messages I’ve received that fall into the “hilarious” category. After having the app for months, I can honestly say that I’ve only met up with three guys I’ve matched with. One of the guys featured in this list managed to be one of the three. Can you guess which one?

All messages are 100% real and from my own personal Tinder interactions. However, names and pictures have been removed from this list.

10. The guy who got straight to the point

This guy knew what he wanted and he went right for it. However, unlike most Tinder men, he wasn’t looking for a date or a hookup, just a quick collision with my beat-up 2009 Toyota Camry.

9. The poet

Isn’t this guy the next Robert Frost? Only the most poetic writers include Snapchat requests in their art. Pulitzer worthy stuff, right here.

8. The guy who is looking for something illicit, but definitely not a hookup

This one will forever leave me confused. I simply cannot pinpoint what quality of my Tinder presence made this man think I could connect him to psychedelic drugs. Is it my don’t-f*ck-with-me punk girl aesthetic? My edgy nose piercing? Or maybe it’s the Harry Styles song I selected for my anthem? I will truly never know.

7. The creepy message turned cheesy pickup line

Let’s call this one out for what it really is — an attempt to save himself. Naturally, I did not respond to the first message. I hadn’t been to Giant Eagle in some time, and even if I had, why would I respond? That seems like a one-way ticket to a Joe from “You” situation. Then, a full day after the failed first message, he adds a cheesy pickup line. Sir, you have no game.

6. Second time’s the charm, right?

He’s right about one thing: my eyebrows are extremely exceptional. They wow the artists at Pittsburgh Beauty Bar every time I come by for a good brow threading. My brows are often compared to the likes of Timothée Chalamet, Lily Collins and Cara Delevingne, the unrivaled king and queens of the eyebrow game. But this is information I already knew, so I did not feel the need to respond.

Then, much like No. 10, he got straight to the point. I once again did not feel the need to respond.

5. The message so long it takes two screenshots to share the entire thing

I just … how? Why? Whomst? I have so many questions.

4. The guy who actually reads your bio

I must preface this one by saying that my Tinder bio reads, “im emo dont txt.” Because I am, as this guy suggests, quite the emo queen. I worshipped Paramore’s 2007 masterpiece “Riot!” throughout my middle school years. I once drove two and a half hours for a Brand New concert and I frequent the Oakland house-show scene most weekends. I have to make it known to any potential mate that I do indeed have better taste in music than them and I will mosh harder than them at any concert.

Admittedly, I usually hate messages that start off with anything sexual, especially the “sit on my face” messages. But I must also admit that the wording of this one is simply genius. If you’re going to send a horny message to a girl on Tinder, at least take her interests into consideration and call her a queen in the process. This man, as opposed to No. 7, has game. 

3. The businessman 

This guy is so dedicated to receiving nudes, he has perfected the art of going beyond the classic “send nudes” message — and he’s even started his own business in the process. I applaud you, Tinder man. You really took the time to write all this out and come up with a backstory. Impressive.

2. I don’t even know what to call this

I took a screenshot, then unmatched quicker than his hamsters escaping. 

WINNER: The simple man

I’m a simple woman. The dumbest things will make me laugh. This message was just dumb enough to keep me laughing for a solid two days. Did I respond? No. As a 22-year-old, a message from a guy who still hides things from his parents seems like a major red flag. And being compared to a Juul? That’s pretty degrading. I’m old-school — at least call me a Marlboro Red. But here I am, still laughing at this ridiculous, yet incredibly clever pickup line.

Sarah is the social media editor. Write to Sarah at SAC261@pitt.edu.