Editorial | The sex lives of Pitt buildings

It is the season of love. It is the season of sex. It is the season of crappy chocolate in $50 heart-shaped velvet tins. 

This week, readers will have ample opportunity to peruse various subjects related to sex and love on The Pitt News’ website and newstands. You can read a story on college situationships, or perhaps you’re looking for good date-spot recommendations. Maybe you’re desiring some good, old-fashioned satirized sex tales or commentary on social media’s effect on relationships. We even have a column coming out about being “screwed” by referees, if that’s more your style.

We have lots of options available to pique the various interests of our readers. Maybe you can even predict a few of the subjects we Pitt Newsers are going to cover this year. However, the editorial staff is pleased to present a topic nobody saw coming — a topic we have been debating and brainstorming for well over a week.

Dear readers, we are so incredibly ecstatic to present to you — the sex lives of Pitt buildings!

Chevron Science Center

Chevron’s sex life is probably the easiest to uncover. They cry after sex. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Chevron houses a majority of the STEM students here on campus. Think of all the tears they have shed in those sacred halls after organic chemistry lectures. Think of all the students who declared a different major angrily after some sort of difficult biology class. Chevron is full of emotions and sadness. After a beautiful romp in the sheets, it seems only fitting that they’re gonna let a few tears slip free. How else is all the tension from their STEM classes going to release?

Sutherland West, Sutherland East and the Petersen Events Center

Sutherland East and Sutherland West are the labia to the Perch’s vagina. And the Pete sits there as the penetrator of all. The three Pitt buildings sit there patiently waiting for the Victory Heights building to finish construction. They’ve long awaited a partner to take care of their needs, and after shaving the bush — aka getting rid of one of Pitt students’ only green spaces — they’ve successfully made room for their partner. They’re unsure whether or not Victory Heights will be a good fit — whether or not they’ll meet them in the middle of academics, sporting events and Chick-fil-A. Victory Heights seems large and domineering, which should be an equal match to the Pete’s unquestionably large size. Here’s hoping the two find harmony in their activities rather than being adverse to one another.

The Frick Fine Arts Building

It should be unsurprising when we say that the Frick Fine Arts Building over on Schenley Drive is a little bit of a freak. Probably the freakiest on campus, when you really think about it. It is difficult to determine whether or not Frick is a top or bottom, so why not both? Their exterior makes them seem unassuming, but they are a powerhouse in the bedroom, whether topping pillow princess Posvar or bowing to the behemoth that is the Carnegie Library. Don’t forget about that stunning statue out front. Rest assured they put it to good use during their extracurricular activities.

Hillman Library, Posvar, Barco Law and Lawrence Hall

As said above, Posvar is a pillow princess through and through. However, they are the most princess in behavior to Barco Law and Lawrence Hall. Posvar has it good — they are decked in art and jewels, have somewhat comfortable classrooms and elevators that don’t look like they’re going to fall from the top story any second. Barco and Lawrence? Not so much. Posvar has it so much better than the two other buildings they are tied to. Barco and Lawrence don’t mind, though — they enjoy taking care of princess Posvar in any way possible.
And now, you might be wondering about Hillman Library. What do they have to do with the relationship between Posvar, Barco and Lawrence? Well, they’re the watcher. They’re the voyeur. They loom their power over the others, sit in the corner and watch the three buildings go at it. Hillman knows that their three neighbors, and really all the Pitt buildings, are reliant upon them. Fortunately, they are more than happy to exert their power by watching, and enjoying, sadistically, the pain they inflict upon all of those in their vicinity.

Benedum Hall

Benedum doesn’t get any. Not for lack of trying, though.

Towers

The most toxic of relationships has to be the throuple that is Tower A, Tower B and Tower C. They are constantly cheating on each other with other buildings, ruining the lives of the students who live inside their halls and generally being disgusting to one another. They can’t keep their halls and bathrooms clean for the life of them and are flooded with someone else’s sewer water every couple of months. They’re dirty and gross, but yet they stand proudly in their ways. Maybe this threesome works — the toxicity is a good thing for these dorms so pivotal in any Pitt student’s college life.

The Cathedral of Learning

It goes without saying when you really take a look at Cathy — when you really take a good, hard look — she is shaped like a penis. Don’t blame the messenger for the truth you’ve been too frightened to arrive at. We really hate to break it to you that our beloved Cathedral of Learning is phallic in shape. And with that, she spends her day lording it over us. Cathy’s height, size and width is a marvel to behold, sure. But she secretly is the most loving and comforting of lovers on Pitt’s main campus. She may be made of stone, but her architectural features are graceful and poised. Intricate designs built into the hard stone exemplify her docility and elegance. Whereas Pitt students may potentially get down and dirty in her bathroom halls, Cathy would never defile someone in such a way. She is gentle, kind and alluring. Her halls are stunning and architecturally interesting to provide students all the ambience they need throughout their days. She may be shaped like a penis, but boy, does she know how to treat you right.