Satire | Holiday Cheer, and so can you!

Hey, you! Do you hear that? That soft jingle in the distance that’s quickly getting louder? Nope, it’s not the bells of freedom ringing in the air, it’s even better! It’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the ghost of Paul Revere Past, who have teamed up to let you know that “The holidays are coming, the holidays are coming!” 

Trust me, I understand how hard the results of this election season were. Still, nothing says out of sight, out of mind quite like the avalanche of holidays that are about to hit us. And what better way to celebrate during these stressful times than surrounded by family members who surely would never dare to talk about politics? I mean, why would anyone bring up something so sensitive at a family gathering? It’s simply not very modest or demure.

The whole point of the holidays is to celebrate everything that brings us together. What does an untimely, divisive election have to do with that? Literally nothing! Don’t even worry about it. No, it’s simply unthinkable that your family members, who disagree with you in every way politically, will want to spend their time arguing with you and complaining about how much your values have strayed. I’m sure they’ve changed since that last questionable Facebook article they reposted ten minutes before walking through your front door. 

In fact, I’m almost certain that this holiday season will be extra special. There’s nothing like worrying about your rights being taken away to make you enjoy them while they last! Just live in the moment! Sure, that might sound really scary, but it can’t be worse than having to continue explaining to your relatives that you are still single, thank you very much. 

Keep your fingers crossed and maybe that weird uncle will finally give up wearing that ugly red hat that he only wears on the most inappropriate occasions. He’s only brought it with him to every single family gathering for the past eight years. Hey, at least it matches the Christmas decorations. That’s the spirit!

What will I be doing during my vacation, you may ask? Filling every room with holiday cheer, of course — and also lots of wine. Surely nothing can go wrong after the entire household has had enough merlot to fill a kiddie pool. Nope, alcohol is great for easing tensions that have been building up since the previous holiday gathering! And believe me, wine glasses make such a great accessory for swinging around when you really want to get your point across. 

And don’t worry — just in case the happy family facade starts cracking during a not-so-great discussion at the dinner table, I’ll let you in on my new favorite meditation practice. After the election, I binge-watched so many episodes of “9-1-1” in a depressive state that now, all I have to do to block out the screaming match at the table is stare at the wall across from me hard enough and at just the right angle and I see the show playing in my mind. Talk about a healthy coping mechanism!

If there’s one thing that I’ve definitely mastered, it’s how to politely agree with everyone while setting them on fire in my mind. So get ready to celebrate the holidays and ring in the new year! Goodbye politics, hello 2025! Politics are so over this season! No, but really, they’re like actually over. So grab a glass of eggnog — or maybe five, I won’t judge — and strap yourself in for the best holiday season yet!

Raquel Padin-Nicholas is a holiday enthusiast who enjoys drinking too much eggnog and going to her happy place while her family members scream about their political opinions. Email her your own holiday hot takes at rap339@pitt.edu.