Satire | The best and worst Valentine’s Day spots at Pitt

As a senior at Pitt, I’ve been to almost every restaurant on or near Forbes. Some way too many times. As such, I am the leading expert on which restaurants will make your boo break up with you, and which will save you from yet another day of disappointing women. 

As always, these opinions are strictly mine and do not represent those of The Pitt News or The University of Pittsburgh — or society as a whole. You have been warned. 

The Porch: The obvious date night spot for Valentine’s Day. It’s a bit overrated and expensive, but the food tastes so good and the atmosphere is so nice that you definitely can’t get in unless you made a reservation three months ago. 

Viva Los Tacos: While I would have previously recommended this spot for their half-off frozen margs on weeknights, which I assume includes Valentine’s Day, they’ve now changed their menu a third time, and this time it’s personal. They got rid of build-your-own tacos. Okay, I’ll get a chicken sandwich. It’ll be my new go-to. And then they got rid of the chicken sandwich. You can get it cut up in tacos and have fries instead of chips and salsa for only $2 more. So I had to get the Tex-Mex beef tacos and add fries. If they get rid of that, then I’ll know they just don’t want me as a patron anymore. 

Starbucks: Unless your girl is the worst person you’ve ever met, she probably doesn’t want this. 

Dunkin: Same as above. Basic and yucky. 

Asia Tea House: This is for the couple on a budget, but only if you plate it nicely and not in the styrofoam boxes they come in. Honestly, the food is way too good considering they barely have a building. 

JJ Poke: Ew. 

Atarashi: You’re getting lucky tonight. 

Hemingway’s: Now that Viva has betrayed my trust and soul, Hem’s is the last place in town for a non-Cardiac Hill chicken sandwich. And they have the famous Pitt Tonight Pitcher — you know, from Pitt’s best and only late-night talk show? And three of those is all you’ll ever need. 

Pizza Romano: So I haven’t mentioned this, but I’m very lactose intolerant, so anything where every entree is milk or cheese-based, I’m firmly against. And besides that, if you get pizza for your Valentine you’ll almost definitely be single by the end of the night. So skip it. 

Antoon’s: See above. 

Melt’d: See above. 

Piada: See above. 

Panera: See above. 

Five Guys: While I would normally say anything fast food is an absolute avoid, considering that you’d have to take out a second mortgage to get a meal for two, they’re really great quality burgers. So I most likely wouldn’t say take your girl to Five Guys, but if she’s really, really nonchalant she’d probably appreciate it. 

Fuku Tea: Bring her here if you want her to want to marry you. 

Divvy: They have these really interesting bun things, and these great caprese sandwiches, so could be a good lunch spot if you’re doing an all-day-together-thing. But still, a coffee spot isn’t the most romantic spot. For the most romantic spot, you’ll want… 

Pamela’s Diner: The best breakfast place in Oakland. It’s unfortunately all milk and butter, so I get sick, but it’s still nice to have once in a while. If you’re not of the lactose intolerant persuasion, you’ll be fine, and it’ll be a lovely Valentine’s breakfast spot for the lady. You’ll want to come early, though, because there’s always a line. 

Forbes Street Market Bakery: Similar to Divvy, it’s not the most romantic atmosphere, but their stuff is so good. I would say bundle up and have it at a Flagstaff Hill picnic. You can see Cathy and Phipps, and it’s just gorgeous up there. It is definitely one of the better date night spots at Pitt. 

Stack’d: Pretty good spot, but also not necessarily the most romantic. It could be fun if she loves Stack’d, as many do. 

McDonald’s: I’m glad it’s finally back, but obviously, no. 

Moe’s: No. 

Arby’s: No. 

Chipotle: No. 

Jimmy John’s: No. 

Subway: No. 

Chikn: Great, but no. 

Raising Cane’s: See above. 

Layne’s: Terrible, and no. 

Roots: Overrated and just weird flavors together. 

Hello Bistro: Not romantic, but I love it, so it’s a yes. 

The Colombian Spot: Empanadas! 

El Jefe’s Taqueria: Bleh. I don’t like their tacos. I don’t like anything they have going on, except for their taco salads. Freaky ahh taco spot. 

Oishii Bento: It’s pretty good, but again not the place to go on Valentine’s Day. 

Chick’n Bubbly: See above. 

Noodles and Company: I have been here twice. I got really sick both times. My friends tell me it’s a me thing, but I disagree. Don’t go here.

K-Town: How has she not broken up with you yet? Their corn dogs are so good if it’s not Valentine’s Day, though. 

Forbes Gyro: Bruh.

Dave and Andy’s: Sorbet, save me. Save me, sorbet. Sorbet, if you can hear me, please save me. It’s pretty good if you can have chocolate, though.

Pilez: This piece is dedicated to my favorite restaurant in the whole entire world. May she rest in Pilez.

Frenchi’s: meow meow meow meow meow meow

Ocha Thai: This is a great spot for Valentine’s Day. Not incredibly romantic, but I would be so happy to go here for that because they have the best food. 

Tallgrass Burger: If a meteor fell from the sky and got rid of the places I said to go, you could just go here instead. But again, plate it in your house, don’t make her go here. 

Insomnia: Cookies? That’s the best you can do? Start looking for a replacement left hand because you’ll wear yours out soon enough. Their cookies are bussing though. 

Smashed Waffles: Chernobyl 1986. This is what will happen in my bathroom if I come here. Also, they have such weird waffle combinations. 

PF BBQ House: Perfect date night atmosphere, awesome staff and food. Don’t let the name fool you, it’s terrific. It’s no Hunan Bar, obviously, but it’ll do in a pinch.

Shah’s: Be serious. If you think Shah’s is acceptable for Valentine’s Day, you might be my boyfriend from last year. He’s still in my freezer, which is where you’ll spend the rest of your days if you come here with your girl. 

EatUnique: EatUnique? More like eat plain sandwiches, pay too much and be happy about it. It’s like Subway, but I didn’t like anything they had on the menu. Also, it’s by CMU, so bad vibes. I’ll take Steel City Subs over this any day. 

And finally, what you’ve all been waiting for, my top three very best Valentine’s date spots, which you should call right now and see if you can still get a reservation. 

Bao: Have you ever seen that Disney short, “Bao?” They sell those here. And they’re so so so so good. For some great cuisine and a great atmosphere, you definitely won’t have to sleep at your own house after eating here. 

Hunan Bar: Get the scallion pancakes. For a romance that will last infinitely, make Hunan Bar your new date night spot. There’s something in the water, there’s something in the food and that something is love. #happyvalentinesday. 

Butterjoint: This is probably the most expensive place on the list. While many Oaklanders may not have visited this fine establishment, it’s some of the best food I’ve ever had. Only a 12-minute walk from Cathy, but much farther from South O, if you can get a reservation here you’ll have won Valentine’s Day. Congratulations, my good man. You did it. 

And there you have it. Every place I’ve ever been to in Oakland, and whether or not you’ll be singled next week for going there. Good luck, because you’re going to need it. Honestly though? Just take a bus. Go somewhere nice that you haven’t been to before. Check the Google reviews and see if it’s fancy enough and romantic-looking. See if you’ll get to leave with your kidneys still intact and attached to you. Otherwise, you’ll be ending the night without your heart. Stay gold.

Alaina McCall writes things. They are in a happy relationship, unlike you, but they have to work Valentine’s Night so they’re sad. If you’re sad, email them at mccallalaina@gmail.com