Satire | How to handle the student athlete scooter scourge

I love the University of Pittsburgh — this school that I have studied, partied and grown at is one of the most special places in my mind and soul. And, of course, the students attending this great institution also matter to me. The well-being and safety of my friends and peers is something I care deeply about, and seeing them in pain and torment brings me great mental anguish. This is why I am vehemently upset about the issues of student-athletes terrorizing my fellow Panthers on campus, and why I am here today to propose an end to this scourge.

Every day, thousands of students are tormented by negligent student-athletes riding electric scooters, disrupting their studies and mental peace. No student should have to live in fear that an oblivious and self-centered athlete would harm them at any moment. This issue must end immediately if the University wants to maintain its oh-so-high reputation. 

The way I see it, student-athletes have lost touch with the common man because of name, image likeness. Their celebrity status on campus has inflated their egos and made them forget about their fellow students, whom they can largely thank for their success. 

My solution

To help with this issue, I propose a tiered reward system. Pitt should give higher-performing athletes scooter privileges while others have to earn their way up and mingle with their peers and classmates. 

Athletes will accumulate points and gain levels relative to their play on the field, court or pool. All athletes will start at a base of zero, but can earn their way up based on their previous successes and failures. 

All-Americans such as football and volleyball standouts Kyle Louis and Olivia Babcock have made it to the highest possible tier and earn free rein to travel throughout Oakland on their scooters as they please. If anything, getting hit by these athletes is one of the highest honors a student can receive during their tenure at Pitt. 

A tier below the All-Americans doesn’t have quite the same prestige as the top tier, and thus, athletes in this tier are still subject to review for any scooter misconduct. But they still enjoy the right to traverse Oakland on their scooters. 

Case study

A good case study for this program is the quarterback situation for Pitt football this season. First-year Mason Heintschel started the year as a lowly third-string, meaning he started the year walking to classes with the rest of Pitt’s students. But with his promotion to starter and his outstanding play these past two weeks, he has worked his way up the tier list and earned scooter privileges.

But Eli Holstein, the starting quarterback just a few short weeks ago, has lost privileges due to his poor play on the field and has been demoted to the lowest tier on the scooter chart. This ties into a key portion of the scooter system, in which any athlete who gets benched for poor on-field play, off-field issues or academic suspensions is demoted to this tier and must work their way back up. 

It’s truly a tragedy what happened to Holstein. Two months ago, he was the face of the program and free to ride around Oakland as he pleased, but now he must weave his way through crowds of slow walkers in front of Benedum Hall. This is an example of what happens when you throw a pick in the red zone against a 2-4 West Virginia team. 

What about transfers?

It’s also worth mentioning the question of what to do with transfer student-athletes. In the age of NIL, the revolving door of players across all sports makes an interesting conundrum for this program. To solve this problem, we will strengthen communications with other schools to see if Pitt’s new athletes had any issues at their previous school. 

For instance, the men’s basketball program received two new transfers from Iowa State University — Nojus Indrušaitis and Dishon Jackson. To further our growing pipeline with the Cyclones’ athletics program, we will reach out and inquire about any infractions — along with their on-court production — to determine the best course of action for these new students’ scooter privileges. 

While some of the student-athletes will understandably rebuff this new program, I believe this is the best course of action for the University, its students and its athletics program. I mean, one of Pitt’s strongest aspects is its sense of community and campus life. 

Creating a better link between athletes and everyday students will create positive relationships between these groups and surely foster more pride in the athletics program. This will also give the athletes more to play for, since they hopefully will grow to appreciate the names and faces that cheer them on every single week.