Satire | Notre Dame’s identity crisis

As Notre Dame (6-2) prepares to take on Pitt (5-1 ACC, 7-2) at Acrisure Stadium on Nov. 15, now is as good a time as any to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the leprechaun in the room. Because the so-called “Fighting Irish” might have one of the most severe identity crises in college football history. 

The Mascot

When researching the University of Notre Dame, you’ll undoubtedly see the school’s fearsome mascot — an angry little man in a green suit who looks like he’s ready to throw hands. Is this meant to intimidate? It’s a tiny, mythical creature whose primary role in Irish folklore is hiding gold and evading capture. Notre Dame essentially chose a vertically stunted middle-aged man with a receding hairline as their symbol of toughness. 

Pitt’s mascot is a Panther, an actual predator. Notre Dame counters this ferocious feline with a small, magical man with buckles on his shoes who probably weighs 130 pounds soaking wet. This matchup is already off to an interesting start.

Irish Erasure

Here’s a fun drinking game for the 21+ Panther fans for this weekend — take a shot every time you hear an Irish-sounding name called during the Notre Dame game. You’d stay stone-cold sober by halftime. 

Notre Dame’s current roster has exactly two players whose names sound even remotely Irish — first-year and junior tight ends James Flanigan and Cooper Flanagan. For a school that makes Ireland appear as a foundational pillar of university culture, one would assume that Notre Dame’s football roster is packed full of O’Briens, McCarthys, O’Malleys and Fitzpatricks, right? But unfortunately, this “Irish” football squad has less Irish representation than a Lucky Charms commercial. 

And what’s worse than the lack of actual Irishmen on this team? Notre Dame’s disappointing lack of redheads. The Fighting Irish have a severe ginger deficiency, with only six players on a 105-person roster sporting Ireland’s trademark red hair and freckles. Don’t believe me? Take a look for yourself. I’m not saying Notre Dame needs to scout talent in Cork or Dublin, but if your school’s entire reputation is built around this supposed Irish cultural tradition, at the very least, they should invest in red hair dye for media day.

With Ireland contributing more than 10% of the total redheads in the world, this is frankly an embarrassing display. The red-hair characteristic is quite literally one of the country’s main claims to fame, aside from its extreme paleness and the ability to acquire a sunburn in cloudy weather. 

The French Connection

What is potentially the most damning evidence of Notre Dame’s cultural crisis is that the school was founded by French priests. The French are decidedly the most un-Irish group of people possible, unless you count the English. 

The “Fighting Irish” nickname actually started as an insult thrown around at the school’s Irish-Catholic students back in the day, and Notre Dame just decided to own it — which is respectable. But this is like saying Michigan fans created Ohio State, or that the University of Pittsburgh was founded by a West Virginia native — I shudder at the thought. 

The Bottom Line

This weekend’s game isn’t merely Pitt vs. Notre Dame. It’s Pitt vs. a century-old branding campaign that somehow convinced everyone a team with six gingers, two Irish names and a French origin story justly represents the country of Ireland. Pitt football should remain confident in its abilities next weekend, taking solace in the fact that Notre Dame is about as Irish as a Shamrock Shake.