At Pitt, bronze panthers, not golden claves

When I first came to Pitt there were no panther statues to be found. Sure, there were the ones… When I first came to Pitt there were no panther statues to be found. Sure, there were the ones at Panther Hollow Bridge, but those were in no way affiliated with our great university.

In the years following my arrival, this situation changed greatly. First, a glorious panther-upon-rock was built at Heinz Field. Next came our little buddy in front of the Union. And, as I recently jogged up to the Peterson Events Center, I noticed our two metallic panthers have a new friend. Having just seen the conclusion of my junior year, I used all of my Pitt-honed mathematics skills to figure out that this makes three panther statues in three years, averaging one panther per year. I figure every university has at least one or two panther statues, but after three I was starting to think something was up. What was the story behind these statues?

I started drinking heavily in an attempt to remember what life in Oakland was like before the statues were built. I thought back to my childhood in Pittsburgh. I grew up watching Panther athletics suck hard and suck long. I was there when our football team got pounded by nearly 100 points by Ohio State. I was there when the basketball team licked the linoleum off the old Fitzgerald Field House floor on a nightly basis. I remember the streets of Oakland clogged with bums, and University dormitories smelling like beer and urine. I remember Pitt students with near-zero-level school spirit and a shockingly low level of “pep.” Nobody was having enough sex.

Through a poorly funded, unofficial investigation, I was able to find the shocking answers behind why Pitt is building panther statues. My research into some top Pitt officials’ personal affairs produced not only an alarming collection of Asian pornography, but also clear evidence of the worship of an ancient, pagan panther-god named Foo-Foo.

Apparently, during the 1970s and ’80s, when Pitt sports were busy winning national championships, Pitt students were busy being peppy and having hot sex with one another — and the Oakland campus was busy being a glorious utopia where bums and professors worked together to educate the masses — regular sacrifices were being made to Foo-Foo. Unfortunately, sometime during the early ’90s, Pitt officials started listening to Nirvana and hopped aboard the decade’s apathy express. Sacrifices to the panther-god stopped and Pitt started its downward spiral into poor athletic standing, under-sexed newspaper columnists — er, students — and an overall increase in urine and smelly bum sightings.

Recently, the top-secret campus organization known as The Druids noticed the absence of Foo-Foo sacrifices and quickly moved to re-appease the god. Using their complete control over Pitt’s top brass, The Druids ordered panther statues to be built in an attempt to reclaim the divine favor Pitt had lost. Since the statues have been constructed, Pitt football is back in bowl games, basketball is in the Sweet Sixteen, and both male and female Pitt student are reporting increased pep and numbers of orgasms. Sadly, the bums and urine had to be kept as a penance for the years of ignorance.

With Pitt back to its previous status of “butt-kicker,” I worry that bigheaded University officials may once again neglect their sacrifices to Foo-Foo. I urge all Pitt students to take action to see that this does not happen and that panther-worship increases.

I call for 200 more panther statues to be built by the end of next year, classroom desk chairs to be replaced with rideable panthers with saddles and a huge, super-intelligent half-panther, half-human mutant army to be assembled in the underground tunnel system below the University. With this all in place, we may make the Final Four.

While some of you out there may find it hard to believe that Foo-Foo the panther-god really exists, I beg you to consider the alternatives. If my findings are not true, the only other plausible explanation for building huge, costly panther statues would be that Pitt loves showing off and also places undue emphasis on its athletic teams as a symbolic measure of the University’s national standing and has no problem creating idols to remind every man, woman and child that Pitt is now super cool and regularly appears on SportsCenter.

Would Pitt foolishly waste thousands of dollars on the university equivalent of sparkly 22-inch rims instead of using that money to directly benefit students? I think not. Or in the words of panther-god Foo-Foo, “All who question my will shall receive death!”

For a large cash sum, David J is happy to investigate other unsolved mysteries such as the JFK assassination, the Loch Ness Monster and claims by ex-girlfriends that they, “just want to be friends.” E-mail cash to davidj@pittnews.com.