FCC, CAA should recognize that adults can say what they damn well please

Finals are approaching rapidly, and for students living in close quarters, this means one… Finals are approaching rapidly, and for students living in close quarters, this means one thing — it’s almost time for the finals primal scream. The scream, for the uninitiated, starts somewhere in the lower lung, and ricochets upward, finally storming out, only to echo interminably against the Quad buildings.

There are a few choice words that usually accompany the scream, most of which are some variation on one or more of George Carlin’s famous seven banned ones.

It seems that, across the pond, the United Kingdom’s Channel 4 has anticipated the annual season o’ swearing and, in response, produced a commercial detailing the nuances of banned language.

As part of a series of commercials, Channel 4 asked British and American celebrities personal questions, such as how often they had sex and what swear word they said most often, according to a piece Bill Griffin, head of Channel 4 marketing, wrote in The Guardian of London.

Apparently, Zach Braff, JD from “Scrubs,” has a really dirty mouth, and Kelly Osbourne’s favorite swear word is “douchebag.” Huh.

Channel 4 then took this celebrity footage and spliced pieces of it together, so that the film became nothing but swearing, and planned to show it at screenings of “Kill Bill Volume 2,” figuring that if people liked violence, they’d probably also go for dirty words.

Unfortunately, the Cinema Advertisers Association banned the ad for being offensive, even though the British Board of Film Classification had given it a green light, albeit with an 18 certificate, so that no one under 18 would have been permitted to see it.

Griffin commented that such offense was, “not that likely, in our opinion, as it would have run prior to the most violent mainstream cinema release of the year, featuring numerous eviscerated corpses and endless rivers of blood.”

Um, ditto.

Given the recent outrages in the United States concerning breasts, Howard Stern and the possibility that “the children” might be harmed by hearing a dirty word or seeing a piece of the female anatomy, this ban seems like just another step towards our new, improved sense of Puritanism.

Offensive or not, the ads would have been shown to adults — the same chunk of the population that can make big decisions, like voting or whether to buy big, purple dildos. In short, this part of the population can make its own decisions. And the ad has been given enough hype that those who wanted to attend the gore, but abstain from the swearing, could have wandered in a little late.

It’s an adult decision to make, and adults should have been allowed to make it.

But more than that, people should be given the option of what they want to see. What happened to the whole idea of “we’re all adults here?”

Perhaps I’m too entrenched in laissez faire attitudes toward regulating art and expression. But in the era of Federal Communications Commission overkill, there seems to be no middle ground between sensible censorship — if there is such a thing — and screeching about the world’s moral downfall.

I recently got into a debate with someone about parenting styles in the United States. It was my contention that children are spoiled here, protected and pampered as God’s little blessed beings, here to be cute and wear funny hats. In a nation where most believe that people are born to sin, we sure do a lot to protect innocence.

My opponent’s contention was that children were precious little blah, blah, blah. She was probably more qualified for the debate, because she actually has children, while I own a plant.

But I think that the idea of protecting vulnerable children — even grown-up ones — from swearing, sex and, to a lesser extent, violence, has gone too far.

Adults should be able to hear swear words. Publicity stunt that Channel 4’s film is, it shouldn’t be banned simply because it contains things people don’t want to hear.

Obviously, I’m projecting my red-blooded American values onto the United Kingdom. But this is just one more example of adults being denied the right to make their own decisions. In short, both the FCC and the Cinema Advertisers Association should stop treating adults like children, and innocent children at that. Let’s return the power of decision to those who are fit to decide.

And, on this side of the Atlantic, if we want to hear naughty words, we’re going to have to lean out our windows come finals week.

Sydney Bergman’s favorite swear word is “futtock.” E-mail her at