Dear Kelly: A new advice column from The Pitt News

Dear Kelly is the A&E section’s new advice column (named in honor of famed Pitt grad Gene Kelly). It’s difficult to start a new advice column. Generally, people do not e-mail you about their petty problems seeking advice unless you are their good friend or you have an established advice column. We here at The Pitt News have very few friends, and so the following questions are not from real people, but instead are samples of possible advice for students living on campus. We invite all Pitt News readers to share their qualms with the Pitt community through Kelly each week.

Dear Kelly,

I go to an on-campus bagel place every day for a quick bagel between classes, but the staff there constantly misspells my name — to the point where it isn’t my name any more. I have no problem with someone spelling Carl with a “K” instead of a “C,” but when they spell it Candy (or any of the other many variations), I have no idea when or if my food is ready. What do I do?

-Carl, not Candy

Dear Carl,

The key to solving your dilemma is striking the right tone. As a wise man from northern New Jersey once told me, “Don’t mess  with the people who make your bagels. … It can only lead to heartache.” Truer words have rarely been spoken. It’s better to have the wrong name but the right order than vice versa.

The most pertinent solution is to spell out your name at the counter, but without making it obvious that you doubt their ability to get your name right. Perhaps chuckle and say, “Sorry, I’m paranoid,” or something to that effect. If that doesn’t work, consider having your name written on the fronts of all your T-shirts and then point to that. If you’re more of a business-casual type, perhaps it’s time to put all of those business cards your well-intentioned mother bought you for Christmas to use. Just hand one to the person taking your order, like you’re important or something. What could go wrong?

Dear Kelly,

I’m a freshman who has been living on campus for a full semester, and I still can’t figure out how to avoid the constant barrage of fliers and handouts being forced upon me by overeager student groups. I’ve tried avoiding eye contact, glaring, listening to music and walking fast — sometimes all at once. Still, I get flagged down. Am I doomed?

-Sick of Pamphlets

Dear SOP,

For some of us, it feels like avoiding the relentless attempts by religious groups, yoga clubs and SGB members to woo our favor is simply impossible. But with a little bit of ingenuity, we can all walk from the William Pitt Union to the Cathedral of Learning without having to live in fear of yet another flier being stuffed into our clutched fists. The strategy I’ve developed is loosely based on a scene from the zombie film “Shaun of the Dead” in which the main cast of survivors pretend to be zombies in order to avoid zombies. Print out a stack of small fliers and as you’re walking to the Cathedral, start handing them to people. The real flier-flippers will think you’re one of them, and will let you pass by unnoticed.

Have a question for Kelly? Send an e-mail with the subject line “Dear Kelly” to aeeditors@gmail.com.