Top 10: Reasons to cancel classes

Here at the University of Pittsburgh, we firmly believe the operational status of this institution should accurately reflect real-world factors. From time to time, we may have to cancel classes — and here are 10 reasons why. Don’t get your hopes up losers, student safety in sub-freezing temperatures is not one of them.

10. If the anti-crow speakers stop working.

The only thing more treacherous than a squadron of dive bombers over London is a flock of crows over Cathy. Warding off migrational crows is our top public safety priority and we mean it. When the Pitt Police stopped issuing shotguns to officers, we kept a handful for a reason.

9. If Top Hat servers go down.

Here at Pitt, one of our core principles is bullying students into giving up their lunch money. It doesn’t matter that CourseWeb already has homework submission and quiz functions. We’re still going to mandate students to purchase a separate homework service and charge them to submit their homework and take quizzes. Anything impeding our ability to do so threatens the viability of this university.

8. If Chancellor Patrick Gallagher receives a $499,999 retention bonus.

What are you, stupid? There is absolutely no justifiable amount for Gallagher’s retention bonus any lower than 500 grand. A dollar less and this institution comes crashing to the ground.

7. If a petition to cancel classes gets 9,000 signatures.

No, dumbass, it’s not because of the dangerous weather that inspired the petition. It’s because there are 9,000 signatures.

6. If the “O” closes down.

We’ve already lost Qdoba, Red Oak Cafe and Uncle Sam’s Subs. Any more and we’d be brought to our knees.

5. If the Chancellor must walk more than 15 minutes to get to Cathy.

The walk from the Chancellor’s residence at 718 Devonshire St. to Cathy is 15 minutes and that’s the most we could possibly ask of the man. Not you students, though. We understand many of you live across the Boulevard and have to walk half an hour in sub-freezing temperatures, but it builds character. In time, you might also find yourself living in a $1.5 million tax-exempt mansion. Stay warm, Panthers!

4. If the student athletes strike.

We pay Pat Narduzzi $3 million a year to take student athletes for all they’re worth and if we can’t work them to death, our academic programs will be in peril.

3. If the weather stops Chaz from setting up his T-shirt stand.

An absence of the Pitt T-shirt stand is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

2. If temperatures drop from zero degrees to -30 with windchill.

If we’re facing zero-degree weather, cover exposed skin, gather emergency supplies and, most importantly, come to class. But if sub-freezing temperatures unexpectedly deteriorate to even colder sub-freezing temperatures, that’s a step too far and we’d cancel out of an abundance of caution.

1. If the weather affects our facilities or operations.

Classes will resume as scheduled. The cancellations on Jan. 30 were out of an abundance of caution and the weather did not affect our facilities or operations. For the latest information, please check emergency.pitt.edu.