Top 10: Places to jaywalk in Oakland

The crosswalk on Forbes has finally opened and the Pitt Police is busy at work stacking the dozens of bodies that have fallen victim to it so far. Now those tyrants are trying to make Bigelow Boulevard “safer.” We say get the goobermint out of our crimes of convenience! Here are the top 10 places to jaywalk in Oakland.

10. Directly under the skybridge

Walking up a set of stairs just to cross over to Towers Lobby is far too much effort. We’d much rather wait for there to be no incoming traffic before scurrying across Forbes in front of the Pitt police substation.

9. The intersection of Fifth Avenue and Craig Street

If you’ve got a date at the crepe shop to get to, you’re not waiting for no silly walk sign. Besides, that walk sign is for the entire intersection. Who does that? We don’t like choices and we don’t want the entire intersection available to us. Just give us a street crossing one at a time and if you don’t, we’ll get it ourselves.

8. Bigelow Boulevard

There’s only one way to get the best $6 plate of chicken pad thai in this zip code and that’s by jaywalking across Bigelow to get to that Thai food truck. It’s so good, we’d become criminals to get a bite.

7. Semple Street

You can’t drunkenly feel your way outside Bootleggers and stumble across the street to Campus Deli without jaywalking Semple street. Out of all the streets to commit petty crimes on, this is probably the most essential to your Pitt career.

6. Atwood Street

Las Palmas is positioned smack in the middle of the block and it makes perfect sense to just scurry across the street to grab the finest street tacos Oakland has to offer than to use some stinkin’ crosswalk. We want our chicken and chorizo tacos and we want it now.

5. Boulevard of the Allies

Does anyone really even know if the lights at the intersection of Bates Street and the Boulevard work? We sure don’t.

4. De Soto Street

There’s no real urgency here and we don’t have a concrete reason to jaywalk on De Soto Street. But it’s still a great street to jaywalk on because of its proximity with the Emergency Room. If you get flattened by some careless driver, you’re just seconds away from a second chance at jaywalking with your two legs.

3. Devonshire Street

What’s Patty G gonna do if he sees some rambunctious youths jaywalking in front of his driveway? Have us arrested?

2. 3412 Forbes Ave.

Don’t mind that it’s the police station — it’s got an ATM in the lobby. What if you need some cash for tacos or a drink? Just dash across Forbes into the station. Don’t worry, nobody’s looking.

1. The new crosswalk

If there are no cars coming down Forbes, we’re not waiting for some crosswalk signal to take until the next ice age to realize that. We’re crossing — cop or no cop.