Satire | November Horoscopes

November might just seem like the sad sack season caught between Halloween and Christmas, offering only Thanksgiving as a condolence — a poor condolence, surely, but a condolence. But fear not, the stars have excitement in store for everyone this November.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): As November dawns on us, let us take time to appreciate the rain. It waters our crops, so that we may make jokes about life finally going well and, you know, so that we can also eat. It slicks our skyscrapers, allowing us to feel small as we gaze upon our reflections in the mirrored exteriors while walking through Downtown. Take a moment to appreciate precipitation in its unfrozen state, for time only takes joy, and soon, we will have joyless snow.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Some days feel like one of the four days we get to see sunlight in Pittsburgh, one of the four days we soak in some free vitamin D. Other days feel like you’re walking through a never-ending downpour and a 61C whizzes past you at likely unsafe speeds, splashing street rainwater on the entire right side of your jeans, shirt and jacket. You will have many “speeding 61C soaking you through” days in the near future. But what matters is keeping a positive attitude when you can feel your wet feet through your leather flats.

Aries (March 21-April 19): You know what, Aries? Screw positivity. Actually, I’m not done complaining about the bus during a rainstorm. My feet were so wet they were sliding out of my shoes with every inch I moved, so I walked home from Piada carrying my shoes loose in my wet hands, trying to balance an umbrella, a bowl of pasta and shoes, like an absolute moron. Just wet feet on wet pavement. It ain’t right, and I just had to say that.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): On today’s episode of Cutthroat Kitchen, you’ll be preparing a pot roast. Delicious, fall-off-the-bone chuck roast with baby carrots and potatoes. For this challenge, I will offer the opportunity to sabotage a fellow contestant with a pre-sweated-in cow mascot costume and the obligation to perform “Milkshake” at the sound of this cow bell. The bidding will begin at $5,000.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): What’s Adam Sandler doing? Do you ever just think about that, Gemini? Does it ever wander into your head, the thought of Adam Sandler? The thought of his SNL songs or Billy Madison? Do you ever catch yourself mumbling “maize” to yourself and laughing? Sometimes you have to think about Adam Sandler, if for nothing but to have thoughts in your head.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Wouldn’t it be lovely to be an apple in an apple orchard, Cancer? It would be an absolute dream to live among the trees, make your way into hundreds of Instagram pictures, be held in front of a piece of well-knotted wood for the aesthetic of it all and live out the last moments of your life as a pie, sprinkled with brown sugar streusel topping. No responsibility besides being delicious in baked good form. An absolute dream.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): It’s pumpkin spice season, and I’m always amazed by all the ways we as a society can integrate pumpkin into things that never should have pumpkin. I’m talking about coffee, donuts, cakes, cereal, protein powder. I could go on. But let us all agree that pumpkin is to pumpkin spice as natural limes are to natural lime Whiteclaw. Pumpkin spice is an idea, a construct, but not a reality.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Black Friday is coming up, but I’m sure you’re ready, Virgo. You have a list of all the goods you want, all the perfect gifts for your friends and family and the ability to go feral over an Apple Watch because Karen’s 8-year-old will never deserve to touch that technology with his Dorito-fingers. But you do, Virgo. Tackle Karen if necessary. Treat yourself. The stars will nod favorably at you as you do so.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Fall is the season of death. Leaves age to burnt crimsons and fall off the trees. It makes you stop and think about your own aging, doesn’t it, Libra? Enjoy a poem, titled: “I have a deep forehead wrinkle from squinting at dumb things all day.”

A face like parchment

Wet, but now dried by sunlight.

I have seen things, dear.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It’s the messiest season of the year. Scorpio season. Also Thanksgiving. But mostly Scorpio season. It’s your time to shine. To prepare, procure some coarse salt, both for seasoning and rubbing in the wounds of your dearest friends and family. No one will leave the dinner table with their dignity intact and ego undinged. Not while you’re around, Scorpio.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Consider trying hot coffee. This is actual, real advice. Yes, iced coffee will always be better, but your hands could probably use some of the residual warmth from your styrofoam Dunkin’ cup right about now. Pittsburgh already has the audacity to subject us to 35-degree nights. Switch over now, for your own good.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): To the leaves stuck to my boots, which I now have to scrape off before fully entering my home, moving like a greyhound winding up its hind legs to pounce on a squirrel intruding in its weed-filled backyard — step off, you wet orange things. I don’t have time for your shenanigans.

Allison Dantinne primarily writes satire and humor for The Pitt News. Write to Allison at and163@pitt.edu.