Satire Archives - The Pitt News

Satire | Environmental mascots miss the mark

By Ari Meyer, Staff Writer • April 3, 2025

The NCAA officially groups all of the mascots in Division I athletics into nine categories — bears, birds, cats, dogs, miscellaneous, mythical, other animals, people and weather/elemental. For example,...

Satire | I miss spring break Pitt

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • March 17, 2025

There are many upsides and many downsides to spring break, much like life. On the upside, we get a break from classes, granting us time to catch up on all the assignments we are severely behind on. Campus...

Satire | I voted for Donald Trump, now he’s signed an executive order to kill me — here’s why that’s a good thing

By Thomas Riley, Opinions Editor • March 11, 2025

In the same way that Biden’s relative economic stability was propped up by fake money and Democratic lies, my right to live was also an illegitimate construct brought about by deep state bureaucrats.

Satire | Midterm madness: A selection of students’ struggles

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • February 26, 2025

As one of the many people about to combust from the pressure of so many major assignments due at the same time, I needed comfort. I decided to take to the halls of Hillman to harass people into telling me what to do so I don’t die.

Satire | The best and worst Valentine’s Day spots at Pitt

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • February 12, 2025

As a senior at Pitt, I’ve been to almost every restaurant on or near Forbes. Some way too many times. As such, I am the leading expert on which restaurants will make your boo break up with you, and which...

Satire | Sights and smells of Oakland: An observation of the elusive college student’s average Friday night

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • December 7, 2024

I thought I was just going to get some chicken tenders and fries, but I ended up getting so much more. So, for all of you missing out on this essential college experience, here are my field notes from my night in the wild.

Satire | Holiday Cheer, and so can you!

By Raquel Padin-Nicholas, Staff Columnist • November 19, 2024

Trust me, I understand how hard the results of this election season were. Still, nothing says out of sight, out of mind quite like the avalanche of holidays that are about to hit us.

Satire | Top 10 Halloween Couples Costumes and What They Say About Your Relationship

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 29, 2024

More important than meeting the parents, more important than the Instagram hard launch and possibly more important than the wedding itself, is the couple’s Halloween costume. It tells more than you’d think about the state of a relationship — whether it’s in its playful beginning stage, the happy middle phase or the bitter ending state and everything in between.

Satire | The consequences of shrinkflation

By Alaina McCall, Senior Staff Columnist • October 25, 2024

At this point in the future, there have been thousands of recessions — which were really depressions — since the one in 2008. Inflation keeps raising prices.

Satire | America has the right to invade Cuba and should after they have expressed interest in joining BRICS

By Alex Jurkuta, Contributing Editor • October 25, 2024

With all of this open hostility from the Eastern-backed Cuban government, it has become clear that the only option for the United States to protect its sphere of influence is to engage in a three-day special operation in order to de-commify Cuba and protect the persecuted ethnic Americans.