Top 10: Ways for presidential candidates to earn our support

The Democratic primary for the 2020 presidential election is growing more crowded by the day and there’s a key voting bloc they are starting to turn to — all their friends at the University of Pittsburgh. With Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt., planning a Pitt stop in Oakland this Sunday, we decided to give presidential hopefuls an easy guide to pandering for our votes.

10. Endorse unions

The clash over graduate student and faculty unions at Pitt is heating up and there’s some easy low-hanging fruit to be picked. Just take Elizabeth Warren’s lead and make unionizing a focus of your campaign for some quick and easy student votes.

9. Free tuition

Here’s another easy gimme for you candidates with no creativity left in your old noggins. Want our attention and votes? Free tuition is a quick attention-grabber for student voters. You’ll likely be scooping up the same ones who’d vote on unionizing, so just consider it an insurance policy and don’t overuse it.

8. More therapy dogs

Pitt currently hosts therapy dogs every Tuesday in the Cathedral. It’s like they want us to be stressed by only holding it once a week. Any presidential candidate who wants our support needs to endorse therapy dogs every day of the week, particularly with finals just around the corner.

7. Shout out The Pitt News

We’re writing you a step-by-step guide to getting our votes, you ungrateful bastards.

6. Fewer crosswalks

This one’s for you small-government candidates out there. Want college to instill a sense of individualism and risk-taking in American youths? Get rid of these crosswalks and have students learn the rush of playing real-life frogger.

5. Subsidize Las Palmas

Arrest us, sue us, impeach us, we’ll never bend our knee to the Allegheny County Health Department. Las Palmas and its famous tacos have been besieged by health inspectors for too long and it’s time they went on the offensive for world domination backed with federal dollars. Want our votes, candidates? This is going to be our litmus test.

4. Dining halls without health violations

Everything critical we’ve said about the Allegheny County Health Department does not apply solely when discussed in relation with the University of Pittsburgh’s dining services. When we’ve got a serious hankering for some overcooked chicken and rice with a gravel-like consistency, we want it from a facility that isn’t racking up numerous health violations in a span of months.

3. Turning 718 Devonshire St. into a Burger King franchise

Give the people what they want — a Burger King on Devonshire Street. If we’re craving a Burger King in Oakland, we’re headed straight for Devonshire and the fact that there isn’t a 24-hour Burger King there is a travesty. Where are all of our tuition dollars going if not that? This is our learning institution and the administrators need to listen to our demands.

2. Give us all a retention bonus

Patty G flops around for five years and he gets 500 grand in the bank. We go to Pitt for four years and we’re about 70 grand in debt. There’s not even a good dental plan attached to that! If they want us to float around for so long, we want a retention bonus just like the big man himself.

1. Call us their friends at the University of Pittsburgh

How are Pitt students supposed to know who to vote for if the candidates don’t call us their friends? We’d be lost at the ballot box if a candidate didn’t pretend we were long-time pals they’d invite over for dinner. It’s OK if they don’t have any plans to and it seems like the sentiment is one of 40 videos they film in a row — but it’s the thought that counts.