It will only take Barack Obama 78 years to fulfill a promise A purrfect day in the Catskills

A New York woman mistakenly drove 100 miles with a 6-week-old kitten wedged in the bumper of her jeep. The driver adopted the kitten. Local authorities were happy the kitten was okay. Mitt Romney dropped Paul Ryan as his running mate.

Missed mental connections

This week, eBay introduced a ban on metaphysical services after customers complained the lottery number predictions and magic potions didn’t work as advertised. Craigslist will not be changing its policy, so 40-something “fairly in shape” men and “mint condition” ’88 Buick LeSabres will still be available.

It still probably won’t work

A new survey by British retailer Littlewoods finds that people who decorate their bedrooms with purple furniture have “intimate encounters” 3.49 times a week, making it the most amorous color. On an unrelated note, seven freshman were caught this week smuggling eggplants into Litchfield Towers.

Hope and change, eventually

A Chicago-area woman returned a library book this week 78 years overdue. So to those of you still waiting for President Barack Obama to close Guantanamo Bay, Chicago tradition states he has 75 more years to fulfill his promise.

Yo quierno, no en tu pantalones

In Colorado, a woman was arrested for shoving a Chihuahua down her pants during an argument. Said the dog of argumentative New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, “Don’t get any ideas.”

Please tell me more about the depression

An elderly German man who planted 1,000 plants was shocked to find marijuana growing instead of the sunflowers he thought he was growing. Thousands of grandparents in the United States were similarly shocked to get phone calls from their 14-year-old grandsons asking for advice on gardening.

So humanlike

Authorities discovered a trove of stolen taxidermy specimens in a North Carolina man’s home. Experts suspected the man was hoarding stuffed, lifeless models when Mitt Rommey went mysteriously missing for a couple of hours during a recent campaign visit to the state.

Get Betty Crocker on the phone

A Nigerian man was arrested at an international airport when he tried smuggling a chicken stuffed with $150,000 worth of cocaine onto a plane. Authorities say he would have been fine had he put his cocaine-stuffed chicken into 3.4 ounce bottles and removed his shoes like more frequent travelers.