Top 10: Space Force Objectives

By The Pitt News Editorial Board

Get in the shuttle, loser, we’re going to make the galaxy great again. President Donald Trump signed the directive to create the United States Space Force on Tuesday, ordering the Defense Department to “marshal its space resources to deter and counter threats in space.” As the Space Force blasts off, here are 10 top priorities for the new military branch.

  1. A space wall to stop the illegal aliens

“My fellow Americans, tonight I am speaking to you because there is a security crisis at our space border. Our space border is a pipeline for illegal aliens and this is a crisis I am determined to end. We’ve requested $5.7 billion for a physical barrier that is critical for border security and would quickly pay for itself.”

  1. Space mines

Trump promised to rescue the mining industry, and it’s back — IN SPACE. This order to create the Space Force is an incredible 4-D chess move that will establish the United States as the dominant force in space mining. We’re bringing the mining industry back, from the mountains of West Virginia to the peak of the Ausonia Montes mountain on Mars.

  1. Space cops

Sending thousands of Space Cadets into the galaxy means there will inevitably be space crime. Leave it to our boys backing the thin and zero-g blue line. Remember, the only thing stopping a bad guy with a phasma blaster is a good guy with a phasma blaster and a pressurized suit.

  1. Moon missionaries

We’ll be putting megachurches on the moon to establish the American values this administration hopes to spread across the galaxy. American teens will be going on missions trips to the moon in no time! We can’t wait to see Facebook profile pictures of selfies with those poor, less-fortunate moon rocks.

  1. To put the flat Earth conspiracy to rest

This flat Earth nonsense has gone on for far too long; the conspiracy theory needs to go the way of the dodo. The Space Force can provide comprehensive evidence to disprove these flat-Earth loons and finally vindicate the truth — Earth rests on a turtle’s back, it’s a no-brainer.

  1. Space trash

More than half a million chunks of space garbage orbit the earth, posing serious risks to satellites and our space vessels. This is a business opportunity for the American people, and the chance to start up space garbage disposal companies is going to create thousands of jobs.

  1. Space fighters

Listen up you worm, you’re not a REAL space fighter until you’ve divorced at 22, racked up a 548 credit score and been shot at by a frail Martian insurgent somewhere between the ages of 60 and 75 with impaired vision and armed with a poorly maintained blaster.

  1. Space blaster arguments

[NEW SPACE MARINE FORUM POST] Ready to get downvoted for speaking the truth. If you carry anything that shoots 15.7mm phasma bolts, I have nothing against you personally but 15.7mm is only good for shooting tin cans and small alien dogs. It just doesn’t have enough knockdown power and it’s a peashooter compared to my trusty 19mm phasma rifle. Change my mind (you can’t).

  1. Merchandising

This is where the real money from the Space Force is made. T-shirts, lunch boxes, cereals and flamethrowers! This Space Force will pay for itself in no time, and American taxpayers will love it.

  1. Space medicine

Surgeons stationed on the USS WebMD have made a breakthrough on a quick and easy remedy to bone spurs! Now, nobody has an excuse to opt out of service in the Space Force. Those surgeons are doing their part — are you?