April Fools: Texting girl in the corner causes partygoers to experience existential crisis

By Nick Stamatakis

The music might be playing and the drinks might be flowing, but for partygoers at Zeta Zeta… The music might be playing and the drinks might be flowing, but for partygoers at Zeta Zeta Zeta, an uncountable haze hovers over the night’s festivities.

Something is wrong with the party, and only the girl in the corner knows what it is.

The girl, who entered with who appears to be other girls on her floor, has been standing in the same corner for 32 minutes, according to witnesses. After drunkenly entering the residence at 11:08 this evening, the woman in question blurted, “I don’t drink beer,” upon seeing the keg. After a few confused circles around the basement, the girl retreated to her fortress in the northwest corner.

“Everybody seems like they’re having a great time, but the girl in the corner just seems so disinterested,” said junior Bro Broski. “It makes you wonder if she’s texting her cooler friends.”

Another brother, senior Jim Broksi, agrees. “I just wish I knew what was wrong with this party. It’s bumming me out, knowing that she thinks we’re being so lame. I didn’t care at all that I won my beer pong match.”

“I’m kind of on the verge of an existential crisis at the moment.”

The girl texting in the corner, who hasn’t been identified by name, seems content with her position of power. Alternating between playing fourth-grade level four-letter words on her Words with Friends Game against her mom and sending a “Wat up” text to strangers, the vibe she exudes is unmistakable: She has way better places to go.

A nearby bevy of ladies is similarly flustered by the girl’s indifference.

“When she first started standing there, I was like, ‘How lame.’ But now that I see she is texting somebody, I’m like, ‘She has so many cool people to talk to,’” one girl said.

Adds another girl, “Yeah, maybe, she knows some place with better beer. What if she’s texting a LAX bro?”

Amid the increasing confusion, regulars at the party have been quietly continuing their nightly routine, dreading what the future of the night holds. A new pledge, freshman Moe Broski, recounts how this type of affair occurs quite frequently at Zeta Zeta Zeta.

“Every night, some random girl comes down and starts complaining about beer. Sometimes, she just stands in the corner and doesn’t text. When that happens everybody knows she’s just lame. But when she starts texting, I just get so jealous that she has other people in her life that care about her. Why don’t I have anybody to text?!”

“I’m kind of on the verge of an existential crisis at the moment,” he adds.

The situation has become more dire in recent moments. In addition to texting, the girl in the corner has begun making disgusted or disinterested faces at the gathered crowd. Among other symbols of social superiority, an increase in hair flipping and eye-rolling seems to be giving everybody the jitters.

Jeff, the resident guy with the guitar at the party, says he was instantly attracted to the girl’s furrowed brow and cranky demeanor when she took out her cell phone. “Who knows what she’s doing. She could be looking at a stargazing app, wondering about the universe.”

“Yeah, or maybe she’s watching an episode of ‘Portlandia,’” adds Jane, the resident-whacked out girl following the resident guy with the guitar. “I mean, this party is just too mainstream for her.”

Meanwhile, the brothers, who simply wanted an evening of light-hearted merriment and mirth, were last seen slipping slowly deeper into a breakdown. With the girl in the corner so obviously displeased, they’ve wildly oscillated between mild reassurances and quiet contemplative stares.

“I guess we just aren’t mainstream enough for her,” Broski comments. “I always feel like we need to make these parties way more normal so chicks like the girl in the corner texting don’t feel so uncomfortable when they’re down here. Why can’t we do this right?”

“If a first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die,” he said, “then so be it.”