Top 10: Pitt News Drink Factory

The Milkshake Factory finally opened its doors at its new Oakland location this week and students are already braving the cold to see what’s new. Never to be outdone, The Pitt News has decided to enter the drinks business to get our bottom line off life support. Here are our top 10 drinks from The Pitt News menu!

  1. Rocky Road

You ever drive into a pothole so deep you got stuck on Forbes in rush hour traffic? We’ve gone and collected the mud and rainwater in that pothole and blended it with some tire rubber for the defining Forbes-Avenue experience in a cup. Ask for additional asphalt with just a 50-cent upcharge for some extra crunch.

  1. Constant Construction Crunch

This is strictly a seasonal offering but don’t get too worried — construction is a season all its own here in Pittsburgh.

  1. Essence of Oakland

Inspired by Oakland on Monday nights, this drink is made with the garbage lining the streets of Oakland before trash collection. Taste can vary depending on which trash bag we fish the ingredients out of so you’ll always get something new when you order this. But you can always expect some reliable flavors to come through like an Antoon’s pizza box or crushed cans of Natty Light.

  1. Essence of Oakland 2

If you want to re-experience your first week at Pitt, this one’s a must. Whereas “Essence of Oakland” is inspired by Oakland on Monday nights, “Essence of Oakland 2” is inspired by Oakland on Friday nights and is made by emptying a handle of Vlad into a Gatorade bottle. Garnished with vomit-covered jeans and regrets.

  1. Midnight Minty Mice

We’re all about sourcing local so we found some dead mice in Oakland and mugged a couple Girl Scouts for their Thin Mints to make this rival to the McDonald’s Shamrock Shake. When you buy this, you can buy it with the confidence that you’re supporting local businesses and not some corporate thieves sitting on the golden arches.

  1. Colorful Salts Galore

Our test kitchen staff were inspired by the range of colors of salt Pitt uses to salt the sidewalks so we decided to bring that inspiration directly to you in drink form. Filled with whatever colored salt we could scrape off the sidewalk outside the William Pitt Union, this offering is picture perfect for your Snapchat story. Think of it like iced sea salt coffee — but just the salt!

  1. TPN Tea

Want something sizzling hot and spicy for the weather? This is the one for you. Proudly made with screenshots of potential conspiracy to misappropriate funds, legislative blunders and the tears of severely caffeinated news writers. If you’re looking for a drink that’ll inspire you to get in a Facebook flamewar, this won’t disappoint.

  1. Crunchy Cockroach and Peanut Swirl

Las Palmas has developed a cult following for its amazing tacos and those rampant cockroaches may have just been the key to its success. Here at The Pitt News, we’re all about doing what works so be sure to check out this crunchy and creamy classic to experience the same magic that goes into Las Palmas tacos.

  1. “The O”

Our take on an Oakland classic — “O” fries. This drink is created by sending an intern to “The O” to order a bag of fries that are then blended here in The Pitt News office. You could say it’s made to order.

  1. 718 Devonshire St.

$500,000 in bills chucked in a blender. Only available in five years.