Kozlowski: A better beer commercial

By Mark Kozlowski

In this time of turmoil, as Tunisia continues in its rampant instability, the Euro does ditto… In this time of turmoil, as Tunisia continues in its rampant instability, the Euro does ditto and unemployment remains high, it’s time that I wrote a column about the things that are most important to the majority of American people.

Beer commercials.

We see them all the time on TV, especially when there is a football game on. And with the most Super of Bowls coming up next Sunday, we’re liable to see plenty of them. In fact, some viewers are more interested in the commercials than in the actual game.

Unfortunately, many beer commercials revolve around people acting stupidly or irresponsibly. Why this would make anyone want to consume that particular brand of beer is beyond me, but as I’m under 21 and therefore don’t know what beer even is, my opinion doesn’t matter. Normally I’m not bothered by ads featuring stupid people. But during the “other” football’s biggest event, the World Cup, I saw one beer commercial that was astonishingly offensive. Around the Fourth of July, Bud Light had an ad wherein the Founding Fathers generally behaved like the drunken rabble George III thought they were. George Washington hits up some floozy that’s not his wife while asking, “How’d you like to be the second lady?” In fairness, Ben Franklin might have done that, but with a better pick-up line. Still, it is in poor taste to imply that the men who signed the Declaration of Independence, risking their lives, fortunes and sacred honor in the process, would tailgate afterward.

Lest I be accused of having no sense of humor, I am perfectly willing to suggest some commercial ideas pertaining to American history that are in slightly better taste. This is because I believe beer commercials should seek to educate, not just to entertain.

First, picture an angry debate between the backers of William Jennings Bryan and the free coinage of silver and the backers of William McKinley and the gold standard. The Democrats argue passionately that farmers need higher crop prices and therefore more money in the economy, whereas the Republicans holler that we need to have money that is “as good as gold.” The debate turns nasty until somebody rises and says, “How about the Bud Light standard? It can be made freely and it’s as good as gold!”

Our next ad would take us back to the election of 1884. A Democratic orator is firing up a crowd over the fact that James G. Blaine has just attended a dinner at Delmonico’s restaurant in New York hosted by the nation’s leading plutocrats. The orator will say, “And what’s worse, my friends, is that Belshazzar Blaine was able to drink Bud Light free of charge! What luxury is this man not accustomed to?” The dinner did happen, and it did provoke widespread outrage in New York. Earlier that same day, Blaine attended a campaign rally at which a minister blasted the Democrats as the party of “rum, Romanism and rebellion” which really annoyed many Irish in New York. It just wasn’t a good day for Blaine, “The Plumed Knight.” In another commercial, we can have Blaine drown his sorrows in Bud Light.

One could make an extremely simple commercial by just having Presidents Ulysses S. Grant and Franklin Pierce talk about how much they love Bud Light. If this be deemed offensive, another easy ad is Warren G. Harding discussing how Bud Light is the official beer of the White House poker game.

Speaking of Harding, the wide world of political scandal would also make fertile ground for TV commercials. In a smoke-filled room, two oil executives are talking with Interior Secretary Albert B. Fall about leasing Naval oilfields in Wyoming. One of the executives hands the secretary a black bag filled with money. Fall then responds, “Gentlemen, you’ll have to do just a little better,” at which point a six-pack of Bud Light is produced to an exclamation of, “That’s more like it!”

A variant of this ad could easily be adapted to the disputed — and probably stolen — presidential election of 1876, where there were allegations that a member of the board charged with deciding the election tilted the result to Rutherford B. Hayes. Perhaps we could run a commercial where there are rumblings of restarting the Civil War over the actions of “Rutherfraud” Hayes, which are only patched over when Hayes agrees to withdraw Federal troops from the South and distribute Bud Light while doing so.

Hopefully with just a little more self-promotion, I can be vaulted into that corner office on Madison Avenue, writing educational and wholesome beer commercials for the whole family. And when that happens, I’ll get rich selling that bridge I own.

Have an idea for a great commercial? Write [email protected].