As midterm elections near, the United States has transformed into a kind of war zone. The… As midterm elections near, the United States has transformed into a kind of war zone. The Democrats and Republicans are assembling their respective “troops” in a manner not dissimilar to Sauron’s mustering his army of Orcs, trolls and Nazgul, while Independents who were savagely abandoned by their former party, such as Gov. Charlie Crist, R-Fla., claw their way through the political abyss alone in a Gollum-like fashion, muttering to themselves, “We wants it, we needs it, must have the Senate!”

Both parties are behaving in a way that is, frankly, a bit evil. But their strategies for accomplishing their various acts of villainy are really quite different. So — like in a good game of Stratego — let’s break down each party’s plan of attack.

The Democrats

If the Democrats’ campaign strategy proves anything, it’s that they are indeed the “Party of the People.” This is because the Dems are espousing a kind of everyman, Maury Povich-style ad campaign, in which they dig up as many incriminating, juicy stories about their opponents’ pasts as possible.

According to The New York Times, Democrats are “using lawsuits, tax filings, reports from the Better Business Bureau and even divorce proceedings to try to discredit their opponents and save their Congressional majority.”

Not only does this sound more desperate than Ashley Parker Angel’s attempted comeback career, but it perpetuates the age-old tactic of talking about absolutely everything but the issues.

The New York Times goes on to list several examples in which Democrats refer to opponents with various punchy, adjective-ridden tags of disapproval, including “dishonest used-car salesman,” “predatory real-estate speculator” and  “millionaire who got rich while his construction company overcharged taxpayers thousands, was sued three times for injuries caused by faulty construction and was cited 12 times for health and safety violations.”

Add in some female empowerment and just a bit of Canadian landscape, and you basically have a Lifetime movie just waiting to be produced. Or even better — an evocative, tell-all novel written by an underpaid, sleep-deprived and likely malnourished campaign aide who just couldn’t take the disgusting levels of hypocrisy anymore.

While it’s true that negative ad campaigning has been effective in the past, will it be enough to save the Democrats, who are currently about as popular as the rapidly spreading infestation of stink bugs across the United States?

Let’s look at their opponents …

The Republicans, aka The Grand Old Plotters

If the Democrats personify the everyman kind of evil, the Republicans embody the “haute couture,” Legion-of-Doom type, in which a shadow organization of crisply attired suits gathers together in a monochrome, sparsely decorated room to discuss their grandiose takeover plans.

Of course, everyone’s favorite evil mastermind is the man, the legend, the Karl Rove. And although, following his exit from the White House in 2007, we thought his reign was over, it turns out that Rove, like Lord Voldemort, was only biding his time, strengthening his power and adopting a pet snake named Nagini, so that he might return now, greater than ever.

According to The New York Times, Rove has “summoned several of the important players behind Mr. Bush’s ascendance to his home once again, this time to draw up plans to push a Republican resurgence.”

Not only is this as creepy as it sounds, but it highlights one of the major problems plaguing the Grand Old Party: the split between the old, big business-based, economics-focused Republicans, and the newer Tea Party Republicans.

Rove did not invite a single Sarah Palin or Glenn Beck to his secret club, but instead invited, according to The New York Times, “Republican fund-raiser Fred Malek, the one-time lobbyist and Bush White House counselor Ed Gillespie and former Vice President Dick Cheney’s daughter Mary Cheney, among others.”

Though it’s possible this collaboration of “Washington insiders” could alienate the emotionally sensitive Tea Partiers, we must remember that, while Rove looks like your average bipedal worm, he is undoubtedly one of the most intelligent political strategists of our lifetime.

Add to that  Rove’s penchant for raising millions of dollars and the fact that the Democrats are already in trouble, and I’d say that things are looking good for the Republicans, bad for the Democrats and even worse for Crist, who I have to admit, I’m really pulling for — if for no other reason than to get him out of the Florida sun and simultaneously start an epic battle with John Boehner to see who the most orange man in Washington will be.

E-mail Molly at [email protected].