I remember telling a friend in high school that when I had sex for the first time, I wanted it to be with someone I could laugh with after. I fully expected it to be bumpy the first time, and I hoped I could look over at the other person afterward and laugh about it — not feel bad for not knowing what to do.
I have come, no pun intended, to learn that a sense of humor is not just essential to get through your first time, but to maintain a good sex life. Sure, it gets less awkward as time goes on, but it continues to be a vulnerable act. Putting too much pressure on yourself to do everything right — take your partner’s shirt off without getting it stuck around their head, keep your hair from falling in your mouth while you kiss and have the perfect sexy playlist on — spoils the fun and makes it nearly impossible to get out of your head and be in the moment.
Honestly, losing your virginity to an embarrassing song makes for a good story, and there’s nothing wrong with pausing what you’re doing to get up and skip a song that offsets the mood. Sex becomes less daunting once you’ve acknowledged that it isn’t as smooth as it is portrayed in movies, and it absolutely doesn’t need to be seamless to be enjoyable.
Some movies and TV shows capture the awkwardness that is inevitable during a sexual encounter, but frankly, in real life, there is no intimacy coordinator to guide you through it. Despite this, for most of my life, I was convinced sex was always sexy.
You kiss and naturally know when to start unbuttoning your partner’s jeans — you don’t struggle with the button to the point they intervene and undo it themself. You maintain a sultry look on your face while they unhook your bra seamlessly — you never ask, “Do you just want me to do it?”
If you can giggle while they fumble and give them some time, eventually progress will come with practice, and things will go more smoothly in the future. Hopefully, they’ll learn to do the same for you. Sometimes you’re nervous and it’s better to let the other person undo their buttons, or maybe you hand them your bra afterward and tell them they can practice hooking and unhooking it until they gain a better handle on its mechanics.
Unfortunately, movies don’t only downplay the physical awkwardness, but the noises. Stomach growls are inevitable. Recently, my boyfriend and I paused mid-makeout and sat silently to decipher whose stomach made a noise. It does not mess up the mood — a good person may tease you about it and then offer you a snack.
Eventually, in the heat of the moment, all of the outside distractions will melt away and nothing matters. Just kidding! Here’s the thing — when you take a step back, sex is just people smooshing their bodies together, right? Take me hot to go, damn. Even sexier, while that is happening, some bodily fluids are involved, and unexpected noises occur.
I’m going to hold your hand when I say this — it happens to everyone. It’s funny. Maybe I’m just immature and still laugh at fart jokes, but I swear that looking at the other person with a confused expression and then bursting into laughter with them, a) makes you feel closer to the person you’re with, improving the sex and b) makes it easier to take a minute to readjust and get right back into things.
Not taking it too seriously shows the other person that you do not expect perfection, and it takes off some of the pressure to perform. This will make you both comfortable to talk about the sex you’re having or to pitch new things to try because you both know if it doesn’t work out, you can laugh about it and move on. You might even get a good inside joke out of the whole thing, and what’s more intimate than having an inside joke with someone? If it works, like really works out, then the new stuff may become regular stuff.
People don’t call sex “being intimate with someone” because it is unrevealing. It’s extremely vulnerable and human, and humans are awkward. Rather than allowing this to distance you from the other person, embrace it as part of the process. Imperfection is one more thing you have in common, so laugh it off and joke together because that will bring you closer. The closer you feel to someone, the better the sex will be.
Now, let’s say you hook up with someone once and don’t see them again. Instead of laughing with that person, remember that you can always laugh with your friends. If you have watched “Sex and The City” or “Sex Education,” you know that talking to friends about sex can be entertaining and educational while helping you feel less alone in your insecurities. These two shows also serve these purposes if you’re not open to talking to your friends yet. Just ignore Carrie’s blatant biphobia — she goes back to Big far too many times to take what she says seriously.
I hope that if you have not had sex yet, I have not scared you off. By discussing the less sexy sides of intercourse, my goal is to make it less daunting. You don’t have to know what you’re doing, and no one expects you to. Sex is supposed to be fun when it is done with clear consent and communication.
My best advice to anyone is to not take yourself too seriously. Trust me when I say laughing makes for better sex.
Oh, and if the person you’re seeing has roommates and thin walls, I recommend playing music. Have fun and stay safe!
Juli would love to hear your most embarrassing sex stories. Email her at [email protected]
