In a world of ever-changing conferences, why not throw out the rulebook? If Cal, Stanford and SMU can join the Atlantic Coast Conference, the plot is lost. From players’ appearances and mascots to a school’s level of misconduct, these eight conferences bring a new level of ambiguity to the College Football Playoffs.
Pro-Global Warming Conference: Oregon, Hawaii, Miami, Cal, Nebraska
In a bold move to address climate change, we’re simply leaning into it. Presenting the Pro-Global Warming Conference — a collection of schools that took a look at the rising sea levels, the melting ice caps and crazy weather patterns and said, “Yes, more of this!”
Even with all these schools scattered across the U.S., they’ll still fly less than they do in their current conferences. Hawaii is already sinking deeper into the ocean as we speak, and Cal is practically sitting on 30 active fault lines waiting for an earthquake to finally deal the Golden Bears in. The PGWC will produce more carbon emissions for football travel than Taylor Swift.
The Olivia Pope Conference: USC, SMU, Michigan, Memphis, UNC
Moving on to the most ethically questionable collection of collegiate athletics ever assembled — the OPC has more scandals than a Shonda Rhimes original. Here, the NCAA rulebook is treated more like suggested guidelines than hard-and-fast rules.
USC brought us the Varsity Blues scandal, proving that even Aunt Becky will go to great lengths to get her kids into a good school — for crew, of all sports. SMU earned the only “death penalty” in college football history, impacting their program so severely that they’re still recovering 40-something years later. Michigan decided that spying on opponents and learning the plays they would run was totally not cheating and just “advanced scouting.”
Memphis rode future NBA star Derrick Rose to a Final Four with fabricated SAT scores, and then still had the gall to act shocked when the NCAA took it all away. And if you think that was bad, UNC Chapel Hill running fake classes for more than 3,000 student athletes for nearly two decades definitely takes the cake.
Pretty Boy Conference: Notre Dame, Howard, University of Alabama, Vanderbilt, Duke
In the PBC, media day is taken more seriously than the playoffs. Students show up to football games more hopeful of catching a good shot of their favorite player — or head coach Marcus Freeman … yes, we are looking at you — on the jumbotron than they are for their team to actually win. Looks aren’t everything, but in the Pretty Boy Conference, they’re mandatory.
Wacky Mascots Conference: Ohio State, Syracuse, Wake Forest, Stanford, Dartmouth, Western Kentucky
From flora and religious figures to primary colors and a keg, these collegiate mascots represent the spirit of the school — but in a different way than most. Dartmouth’s Keggy the Keg may allude to the Ivy League school’s play hard, work hard mantra. Syracuse’s Otto the Orange and WKU’s Big Red are humanoid versions of their school’s color. The Ohio State Buckeyes and the Stanford Tree are in reference to their schools’ locations. Finally, Wake Forest’s Demon Deacons give context to the school’s religious history while still looking imposing.
Delinquents Conference: Miami, Arizona State, UCLA, Tulane, Florida, Dayton
A big part of a school’s football footprint is its tailgating and party scene. The two go hand in hand. The question is, when their team wins, do they celebrate or drown their sorrows? With these six schools, the answer is undoubtedly yes. They may not produce the most Nobel Prize winners or senators, but their alumni network of AA members is unmatched.
Hollywood Sweethearts Conference: Charleston, Occidental, LSU, Johns Hopkins, San Diego State, Princeton
Michigan’s Big House, Notre Dame’s Golden Dome, Pitt’s Cathedral of Learning — the list goes on of collegiate iconography. These buildings have a life outside the school and are nationally recognizable. However, with this conference, it’s the schools that have their architecture on the big screen. All six of these schools were filming locations for popular movies.
The hit chick flick, “Clueless” (1995), was filmed at Occidental College. LSU’s campus saw the likes of Anna Kendrick and Rebel Wilson filming “Pitch Perfect” (2012). Johns Hopkins and Princeton’s academic aesthetics lent themselves well to filming “The Social Network” (2010) and “Oppenheimer” (2023), respectively. Finally, San Diego State and Charleston College were filming locations for “Bring It On” (2000) and “The Notebook” (2004), respectively.
Cinematic Multiverse Conference: NYADA, Shiz University, Monsters University, Greendale Community College, UC Sunnydale, Hogwarts
Imagine it — Sully winning the Heisman, the Shiz University Wizards winning back-to-back national championships and Jeff Winger winning the Coach of the Year award.
These six schools only exist on screen or in a book. Hogwarts (“Harry Potter” series), Monsters University, Greendale Community College (“Community”), UC Sunnydale (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”), NYADA (“Glee”) and Shiz University (“Wicked”) make up the six powerhouses in this imaginative conference. Spanning from popular teen TV shows to fantasy box office hits, these schools bring an extra layer of pizazz and excitement to the league.
Note the very drastic power differentials. NYADA is a performing arts school. If they went up against the Monsters from Monsters University, those theatre kids would be sent to the ICU. Hogwarts and Shiz University are evenly matched due to magical ability but the Greendale human beings are clearly at a disadvantage.
Dog Pound Conference: Georgia, Gonzaga, JMU, Yale, Georgetown, Mississippi State
Rounding out our conferences with something short, sweet and to the point. Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of opponents quite like a dog that can’t breathe properly and needs a nap after walking up a single flight of stairs. But hey, at least in the DPC, the “Go Bulldogs” chant means everyone’s a winner.
These eight conferences bring a new level of interest and excitement to collegiate football. Watching these teams play each other and hearing about the lore in the offseason will create buzz unrivaled by simply playing your historic rivals. Rest assured that with these new conferences in college football, there will be no such thing as a “casual” watch ever again.