From a young age, I was raised on the notion that I was going to find my perfect soulmate with ease — I swooned at Hallmark movies, read sappy romance novels starting in late elementary school and listened with wonder to real life love stories from my family members. I saw romance in shows like “Victorious” , “iCarly” and  “Zoey 101” and hoped I could one day experience the warm, fuzzy feeling of love. At school, I’d find out a boy had a crush on me and purposely play into the chase just to get close to what I saw out in the world.

I’m sure I wasn’t the only kid doing this. There’s a reason the fourth graders I was a camp counselor for this summer spent bus rides talking about which among them they thought was cutest. When I was in fourth grade, I vividly remember boys competing for girls’ affections for the first time in my life. 2010s kids’ media is marked by relationships like Carly Shay and Freddie Benson, Jade West and Beck Oliver, and Aang and Katara as ideals for our generation to live up to. Outside of that, according to a discussion my screenwriting class had this week, every piece of media can be considered a rom-com because romance always steals at least one plotline. The standards our world sets for love often make it feel like getting married and settling down with someone is the greatest achievement one can have. For years, I also believed this to be true.

As I get older, my feelings on romance ebb and flow. When I was little, due to the media I watched and read, I was a complete hopeless romantic — I loved rom-coms, fantasized about a dream wedding and was getting caught up in the “chase” beginning in fifth grade. It’s nice, it’s idealized, but it isn’t realistic. Also, getting caught up in the “chase” in fifth grade is kind of crazy, in retrospect. 

In contrast, for the latter half of high school, I thought romance was completely fake and anyone trying to be romantic toward me had some wicked, ulterior motive. This is pretty harsh, and I realize that, but it’s also a result of my first relationships being nothing like the perfect love I saw on TV. By the end of my senior year, I had completely sworn off dating, something 10-year-old me would be appalled at.

Now in college, I’ve reached the conclusion that the actual answer is somewhere in the middle — romance isn’t the villain, but it isn’t something we as women should commit to as some “ultimate goal.” I think a lot of young women, in particular, are led to believe that their soulmate is out there, regardless of how many bad dating experiences they may have. As these bad experiences pile up over the years, however, it becomes less easy to idealize this hypothetical person we’re all supposed to end up with. As we grow, as our world becomes more complex, and as we develop other goals, romantic relationships just tend to take the backburner. This may not be true for everyone, but personally, I’ve found myself focusing much more on cultivating friendships, good academics and extracurriculars I enjoy.

This may all make me sound awfully pessimistic and bitter, but that isn’t true. You should hear what this article would’ve sounded like if I wrote it junior year of high school, fresh off my first two heartbreaks. The truth is, for a long time, I stopped believing that any romantic love could work long term, but I’ve recently changed my tune. Whether it’s thanks to  “Sex and the City”,  therapy or growing up, I’ve now come to realize how important it is to be realistic with love, whatever that may mean.

Learning that love isn’t at all what it’s cracked up to be totally shattered my bubbly, pink picture of what my future might hold, which is probably why I 180’d so hard a few years ago. The media pushed out to certain demographics creates narratives and goals for those demographics. Often, for women, it’s the “norm” to love rom-coms and romantic plotlines in books, movies and TV shows. It gives us something to root for, something to hope for, but often clouds our reality. 

In truth, love is difficult — it isn’t as simple as it seems in movies. For most people, it takes a long process of trial and error to find someone who has a matching level of romantic needs, sexual needs and ability to communicate properly. According to my shrink and speaking from experience, when any of these are mismatched, any non-platonic relationship will feel off. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is toxic, so often people will stay with the person they’re unhappy with. If they don’t realize there’s a mismatch in one of these three categories, a relationship can feel out of sync, but the real reason may not be fully clear to them. 

Modern relationships aren’t the fairytale that we were raised to think they are — they take much more work, thought and trial and error than what seems normal according to romance media. However, finding someone with equal sexual, romantic and communicative wants will provide the average recovering romantic with the space to have a relationship that fulfills all their needs. It’s not a fantastical fix or a pessimistic one, but a grounded one. When all those desires are aligned, romance can feel real. Romance isn’t dead — it just takes finding the person who wants what you want to be satisfied in that aspect of your life. While for some this may take no time at all, for others it may take longer, but however one reaches that place is just another part of life.
I think I’d have been less averse to love in high school if I hadn’t had relationships that were mismatched in all three of these categories. There’s a part of me that wants to retreat back to the innocent hopefulness I had as a kid whenever I see a happy couple, but in truth, they may not be so happy — they may be mismatched to some extent. Once you can find someone who either fits your needs or is willing to adapt to them, it seems to me that your relationship will be fulfilling. Then again, I haven’t found that yet, but I hold out hope. For all my other single, hopeful  — or hopeless — friends out there, just remember not to settle for someone who doesn’t want what you want. Don’t settle for someone who won’t be willing to adapt to improve the health of your relationship. It’s okay to hold yourself to the high standard that you deserve — if that means taking your time finding the one, even if you date less, that time with yourself will bring you much more peace than the wrong partner.

Isabel Hoch is a sophomore English writing major who obsesses over very specific things for months at a time. If she writes an article about something, it means her friends haven’t heard her shut up about it in weeks. To get in a heated debate over something dumb (or tell her a fun secret), you can email her at [email protected]