Mr. Panda, you are not  the father

Al Hin, a panda that lives in a breeding center in China’s Sichuan province allegedly faked pregnancy to “receive nicer food and round-the-clock care,” from her keepers. The 6-year-old panda started showing signs of pregnancy in July, with reduced appetite and mobility. The aspiring actress executed a stellar performance, prompting her keepers to schedule her to star in a heavily publicized first-ever live birth. Unfortunately, the broadcast was cancelled after her keepers got wind of the panda’s bamboo-motivated conspiracy. It takes the term “food baby” to a whole new level.

“Meow” you know

Contrary to the consensus among ‘90s kids, Hello Kitty is not a cat. Yes, it turns out that everyone’s favorite backpack accessory is actually British schoolgirl named Kitty White, according to her creators Sanrio. University of Hawaii anthropologist and current curator of an exhibition about the cartoon cat-human thing, Christine R. Yano, said, “she’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature.” In other news, investigations into Snoopy’s identity are pending.

Drowned in Fibs

USC football fans were naturally upset to hear that their star player, Josh Shaw, broke both of his ankles on Saturday, Aug. 23. But they all got a warm feeling in their stomachs when Shaw told fans that he received his injuries after jumping from a second-story building to save his 7-year-old nephew from drowning. Problem: Shaw’s story is a “complete fabrication,” according to the school. Shaw later admitted that his original story was a lie and, although we don’t know exactly how Shaw got injured, reports reveal that the imaginary child drowning was, in fact, Manti Te’o’s son.

Dawn of the head

A chef in China died after being bitten by a spitting cobra head. The chef had decapitated the cobra in preparation for a cobra flesh soup. Twenty minutes later, when the chef tried to discard the snake remains, the head — still alive and biting — bit him. Coincidentally, upon receiving his cobra soup, the patron said it was … to die for.

Flint arsonist strikes out

Over the past few weeks, the town of Flint, Mich., has been terrorized by a slew of arsons. The local fire chief, David Cox, was on the case for weeks until last Wednesday, when he finally nabbed the serial arsonist. The pyromaniac was an 11-year-old boy. Despite his age, “The dude is a terror,” Cox told Michigan Live. Officials say that the young boy could spend up to three weeks in his room with no chance of Xbox.