Editorial | Top 10 non-groundhog things that should determine the weather

By The Pitt News Editorial Board

In the least surprising turn of events ever, Punxatawney Phil decided that there would be six more weeks of winter this year. It seems fitting that these bleak, cold and dark days are going to be extended. The idea of a groundhog being pulled out of the ground to determine when spring will come used to seem weird. But after 2020, and 2021 thus far, nothing really seems that weird anymore.

Apparently groundhog day started in 1887 and we think it should end in 2021. It’s time for a new tradition, and being that Pitt is also located in Pennsylvania, the editorial board is offering a slew of new things that can determine the weather.

  1. The 54 bus line

This one is all in the hands of the Port Authority. The 54 bus literally never comes on time, except sometimes it does, and you miss it. Basically, it does whatever it wants because it can. The 54 bus line probably does know when spring is coming, but it’s not going to tell you — you can wait at the corner of Fifth and Bigelow and see for yourself.

  1. Your academic adviser

You have probably talked to your academic adviser three times in your life, and if they can determine when you graduate, who is to say that they can’t determine the season?

  1. Squirrels of Pitt

Rain or shine, roof or garage, trashcan or Cathy stairs or a global pandemic, the iconic Squirrels of Pitt are out and about. So they probably wouldn’t determine the season as much as they would tell you to just go outside. And honestly, we should all just go outside. Fresh air is good, and being outside gives you something to look at aside from the social media tab you opened while you were supposed to be paying attention to your Zoom class.

  1. Service puppies

There is no animal more heroic than the Pitt service puppies. They deserve to be center stage. 

  1. Stocks

It’s perfect because like pulling a literal groundhog out of the ground and deciding it can, and will, predict the weather, the stock market also makes no sense. So, why don’t they determine when spring comes? Looking at you, Gamestop.

  1. The NEW Bigelow

If you tap the fancy flower pots three times they’ll tell you that there will be 10 more years of everyone being confused about the point of the $24-million renovation,

  1. The Roc statue outside the Union

This statue in front of the William Pitt Union is actually perfect in terms of determining the weather. You just sit on it, and if it feels like someone lit a flame under you, then it’s probably sunny outside.

  1. The other statue nobody understands

This is that big fountain thing outside of the Frick Fine Arts building that everyone takes graduation photos in front of, but nobody actually knows what it is. It is, apparently, the Mary Schenley Memorial Fountain. It seems like this fountain would beat a groundhog in a fight. We don’t really have anything to back up this claim, but it just seems right.

  1. Pigeons

Apparently when pigeons get cold, they fluff up their feathers, making an insulating air pocket that surrounds their bodies. They can lower their body temperature by as much as 50 degrees Fahrenheit and stay alive. Pigeons would probably consistently choose six more weeks of winter. But at this point, it would be fantastic to have some sort of consistency in our lives.

  1. The Cathy crow noises

Crows used to poop all over Pitt’s campus, so Pitt bought crow sound systems and installed them in the middle of campus to scare the crows away. We guess since the crow sounds can deter unpleasant things, the crow sounds might make spring come sooner? The crow sounds might end the pandemic?

 

Leave a comment.