Michael Vick is going to feed dogs.

An animal rescue group in Washington, D.C., plans to donate five bags of dog food to a shelter every time Vick is tackled when his Eagles play the Redskins Oct. 26. Perhaps not directly, but Vick gets tackled and dogs get food because of it, ergo Vick is feeding the dogs.

It’s a great plan, especially considering the donations will be made only if Vick is tackled. Vick is an abomination of a human, so any good done from his getting hit by some of the world’s finest athletes is fantastic. Plus, he’s bound to be a bit rusty since it has been some time since he last played.  

Vick hasn’t played in a regular season NFL game since Dec. 31, 2006, when he and the Falcons lost to, coincidentally, the Eagles 24-17. Since then, Vick has spent 19 months in prison on charges of operating and running a dog fighting ring.

On Sunday when the Eagles play the Kansas City Chiefs in Philadelphia, Vick will see his first playing time in more than two years. Fans of dogs and those who value animal lives more than human ones are not pleased Vick is coming back to the NFL. Protesters are expected to attend most, if not all, Eagles games this year to show their anger at Vick’s reinstatement.

Personally, I’m thrilled the group in Washington plans to donatedog food when Vick gets tackled. Vick is a despicable human being, and if we can add even more insult to his misfortune, I’m all for it.

But back before Vick turned into the scum of the Earth he was one of the most elusive players in all of football. Yes, it’s been a bit since he last played, but if he gets back into the speed of an NFL game and close to being the same player he was, he might not get tackled too frequently. We need to ensure we can still protest him every week, so here are some other ways to show Vick that he’s the most loathsome player in the NFL (sorry, Leonard Little):

Every time Vick steps on the field, the person operating the large screen in the stadium should play clips from “Lassie” and dub over it to say, “What’s that girl? Michael Vick is stuck in a well? Good, he deserves it. Leave him.”

If Vick gets hurt, stand and applaud while simultaneously squealing like a dog so he knows the pain he inflicted on those dogs.

If you see someone in a Vick jersey — which shouldn’t be hard, given that he is the second-most popular jersey in the NFL store behind Brett Favre’s — knock him out and take him home. While he’s still knocked out, put him in an electric collar and set it up so he gets shocked if he tries to leave your basement, attic, dungeon, etc.

When Vick throws an incomplete pass, give your dog a Scooby Snack.

When Vick completes a pass, shave your dog’s hair off. Sure, that seems like it affects the dog more than Vick, but that’s not true. Once Vick sees all those creepy bald dogs, he’ll think twice about completing another pass.

If Vick runs for a touchdown, light a stuffed animal dog on fire.

If Vick somehow throws for a touchdown, light an actual dog on fire. Don’t worry about harming the dog, though. Vick’s touchdown led you to light the dog on fire, ergo, Vick did it. That won’t count against you — but against Vick — when it’s time to see if he goes to big kennel in the sky or groomer deep in the bowels of hell.

Should the Eagles make the Super Bowl, but lose, go to the local shelter and adopt a dog. Then feed it, love it and accept it as a part of your life until the dog, or you, die.

But if the Eagles win the Super Bowl, adopt all the dogs from your local shelter. Quickly teach them to hate. Make sure they growl at the very sight of Vick, ready to pounce and attack. Then, go to the Eagles victory parade and unleash them.

Now, these measures might seem a bit extreme. But you need to sit down and look yourself in the mirror and ask, “Is protesting Michael Vick really worth making some dogs homeless or lighting a few dogs on fire?”

Yes. It makes me so angry to think this man is getting a second chance. Since the NFL caved and allowed him back in the league after he served his court-mandated jail time and lost millions in savings and endorsements, as well as any chance at respect from a majority of the population, it’s up to us to show him he’s not welcome in the league.

Also, don’t mind if actual football fans are joining in on your protests. They’re just being irrational.