Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2009 April Fools’ edition. It is a… Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2009 April Fools’ edition. It is a work of fiction produced solely for entertainment value.

-Pitt forward Sam Young made a waffle Saturday at Pitt’s Market Central, to which one freshman said, ‘Shiiiiiiiit.’ Young proceeded to tomahawk jam on the student while reciting a sonnet.

-Roc the Panther was arrested Monday on the 3900 block of Forbes Avenue for indecent exposure and aggressive panhandling.

-The United States won the World Baseball Classic.

-The Oklahoma City Thunder signed Michael Jordan on Wednesday. An NBA spokesperson said of the move, ‘Wait, there’s a team called the Thunder?’ Oklahoma City hopes Jordan, 46, will be the key piece to its playoff run.

-Penn State signed a deal with Pittsburgh to play one football game each year through 2025. Under the deal, the game will be played in the spring, indoors, on hardwood and with a basketball.

-Lionsgate will release the film ‘The Haunting in Connecticut,’ a hilarious romantic-comedy about Pitt’s upheaval of the Connecticut Huskies in the frightening Hartford winter. Critics have stated that casting a screaming 19-year-old girl as Jim Calhoun istoo contrived.

-Brookstone defeated Ruehl, 87-75, to win the Pac-Sun Conference championship. Ruehl coach James Abercrombie attributed Brookstone’s win to its pregame muscle-relaxing, massage-chair warm-ups.

-The Philadelphia Eagles drafted former Pitt star LeSean McCoy with the 28th overall pick in the 2009 NFL Draft. Upon hearing the news, Pitt students Keith McShire, of Bloomfield, and Dara Milligan, of Philadelphia, began arguing over whether the Penguins or Flyers were better, then which hometown was better. Then they made out. It was weird.

-Police warned Pitt men’s basketball coach Jamie Dixon after he jaywalked across Fifth Avenue last Sunday. Dixon responded to the incident by emphatically gesturing at local officials before coldly gazing into their souls. No citation was issued.

-Furious San Jose SaberCats fans protested in front of team offices over the cancelation of the Arena Football League’s season. ‘I can’t quit you and your ridiculous field-goal dimensions,’ said one diehard as he sobbed quietly by the roadside.

-A CBS control room staffer was hospitalized for exhaustion after the Siena-Ohio State and Wisconsin-Florida State games simultaneously went to overtime. Robot Greg Gumbel shorted out because of the constant cutting from one game to another.