‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ There are maybe three fool-proof ways to ensure an ascent to power. The first is… ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ There are maybe three fool-proof ways to ensure an ascent to power. The first is to inherit it, either by birth or by stolen identity. The second is hard work, a method that should be avoided if possible. Third, and probably the best way, is to claim to be a reincarnation of some famous person of power in the past. ‘ ‘ ‘ The old reincarnation gag is the oldest trick in the power-hungry book. Many people don’t know this, but a lot of prominent leaders and visionaries have, at one time, claimed to be a reincarnation of another even more powerful person. For example, Genghis Kahn once alleged that he was the reincarnation of Ramesses II, knowing full well that Mongols were huge fans of Egyptian lore. This pretty much makes Genghis equivalent to the powerball jackpot to those looking for a past life, since prospective past-life shoppers can then claim Ramesses II as a past life, too. Two past lives for the price of one is a pretty good deal. ‘ ‘ ‘ But of course, reincarnation fads must also be taken into account. For example, right now it is quite in vogue to claim an American revolutionary as a reincarnation. These days, it seems like everyone wants to be George Washington or Thomas Jefferson. Don’t believe me? Visit the Return of the Revolutionaries Web page and see for yourself. There, Walter Semkiw, the author of the site (who also claims to be the reincarnation of John Adams), has compiled a list of contemporary actors, writers, politicians and an occasional nobody who are supposedly the reincarnations of anyone from Henry Clay (John McCain) to James Wilson (Oprah Winfrey). ‘ ‘ ‘ Though Semkiw offers much evidence ranging from shared physical traits to similar handwriting styles, I was not convinced. ‘ ‘ ‘ But then one day, everything changed … and I saw the light, or rather the two glowing eyes of a Panther statue ‘mdash; but I’m getting ahead of myself. ‘ ‘ ‘ It all started several weeks ago. It was just an ordinary day, except colder. Too cold, I had thought to myself suspiciously. ‘ ‘ ‘ That afternoon, I was loitering around the back entrance of the William Pitt Union, as I sometimes do, crunching leaves and kicking stones ‘mdash; the usual hood-rat stuff. Little did I know that my life was about to change forever, for-ev-er. ‘ ‘ ‘ All at once, the sky darkened. It was as if a great cloud had covered the sun (I will neither confirm nor deny that this is actually what happened). Then came two great orbs of light, redder than a pack of Big Red gum. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘What is this?’ I hissed. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Look into the light,’ a low voice boomed. ‘ ‘ ‘ It was then that I realized the lights were, in fact, the eyes of the panther statue, except it had grown to three times its normal size. And it was speaking to me.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Study the life of Brown,’ it growled. ‘Molly Brown.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Well, the panther didn’t know this yet, but no one tells me what to do. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘No!’ I shouted, while running off toward the Cathedral. ‘ ‘ ‘ But like Semkiw, I couldn’t escape my destiny. ‘ ‘ ‘ As I attempted to jaywalk across Bigelow Boulevard, another apparition appeared: Molly Brown, herself. ‘ ‘ ‘ It was just like one of those holograms on CNN, except real. And I have to say, she really does look just like Kathy Bates! ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Molly,’ she said to me, her white-laced holographic gloves clenched authoritatively. ‘You have to stop running from your past!’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘But I don’t understand,’ I said. ‘I was running from that giant panther statue, not my past.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘That panther is your past!’ she bellowed. ‘As am I. You are my reincarnation, which technically means that this conversation can’t be happening, but no matter.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Like I am of most things in my life, I was suspicious of what this Molly Brown character was telling me. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘How can I trust you? I don’t want to tell people about this and have them think that this is just some ploy for attention or an extremely long-winded joke or something. I need hard evidence.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Wake up, Molly,’ she told me. ‘Haven’t you ever noticed the remarkable way our hair glints the same color brown in the afternoon sunshine? Or how peculiar it is that we both have 10 toes and 10 fingers and two arms and two legs? Surely that can’t be a coincidence.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ As much as I didn’t want to admit it, this hologram was making sense. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Or,’ she began slowly with a twinkle in her eye, ‘that we both have an undying, dare I say, unsinkable love for hats?’ ‘ ‘ ‘ My eyes widened in shock. It’s true. I do really love hats. ‘ ‘ ‘ I bowed my head in submission. ‘Tell me what you need me to do.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘End your life of petty crime,’ she told me, ‘and spread my legacy. Also, become very rich while doing so and accumulate much fame and power. For every million dollars you make, I will save another ship from sinking.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Then she tipped her hat to me, winked and disappeared forever. ‘ ‘ ‘ Since that time, I accepted the truth about myself. I, Molly Green, am the reincarnation of Molly Brown. As you have just heard, there is objective, undeniable proof that this is true. ‘ ‘ ‘ I want to remind all of you that I didn’t ask for this power any more than Semkiw asked to be John Adams. I am not a power-hungry person. No, no, that’s just silly. In fact, one could say that this past life is a great burden that I will be forced to carry for the rest of my life. I’ll probably have make several book deals now and perhaps do a few television specials, as well. E-mail Molly at [email protected].