‘ ‘ ‘ People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, had some great new ideas last week…. ‘ ‘ ‘ People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, had some great new ideas last week. ‘ ‘ ‘ For example, last Tuesday, the organization sent a letter to Ben ‘amp; Jerry’s owners Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield that urged the duo to substitute human breast milk for cow milk in the company’s ice cream. ‘ ‘ ‘ Now I know what you’re probably thinking: Where would all this breast milk come from? It’s awfully expensive, I would imagine. Would we be able to import this from some third-world country? How does child labor fit into all of this?’ Also, what about the fact that consuming a stranger’s breast milk is revolting, and ice cream made from said milk has absolutely no mass-market appeal, or any appeal at all? ‘ ‘ ‘ Mere trifles. The logistics of such an attempt are unimportant. What is important, however, is the organization’s wise decision to bypass traditional problem-solving tactics to address this issue. ‘ ‘ ‘ I suppose there are those who argue that PETA’s ideas are impractical and even extreme. They might wonder why, instead of proposing exploitative human milk farms, wouldn’t the organization simply lobby the government for more regulation of animal rights in dairy farms. ‘ ‘ ‘ Nay. The cows don’t have time for drawn-out Congressional politics. ‘ ‘ ‘ While senators argue over subcommittee point of orders, countless numbers of our bovine friends are being tortured and milked to death. And that’s not even counting the time it takes to put together a decent petition in the first place. ‘ ‘ ‘ Luckily, there is an alternative to this outdated linkage system approach to reform. And, as PETA executive vice president Tracy Reiman put it, all it took was an ‘innovative new idea.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ In fact, I think you’ll find that many of the United States’ problems can be solved if you just look at the problem in a new way. So while PETA was working out how to save America’s cows, I compiled my own list of solutions.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Obesity: ‘ ‘ ‘ Problem: We’ve all heard it: America is the fattest country in the world. And according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, we grow more obese each year, with 2007 marking a plumpest-ever 26.6 percent obesity rate ‘mdash; three percent flabbier than in 2004. ‘ ‘ ‘ This statistic continues to rise despite government attempts to curb obesity, such as California’s ban of vending machines in elementary schools and mandates for fast-food restaurants to list fat and sugar content on their menus. Still, we grow fatter yet, and it’s clear that these ‘traditional’ methods are not working. ‘ ‘ ‘ Solution: Change the definition of obesity from a BMI of 25 to a BMI of 40. Trust me, rates will plummet overnight. ‘ ‘ ‘ College admissions process: ‘ ‘ ‘ Problem: There have been endless complaints about the 1college admissions process. Some people don’t like the use of standardized tests. Others debate the fairness of affirmative-action programs. Not to mention those students ‘mdash; and there are quite a few ‘mdash; who have moral objections to essays. ‘ ‘ ‘ Then there’s all that paperwork, which leads to two more grievances: university bureaucracy and global warming (everything leads to global warming). The debate over these topics, like the disgusting abuse of cows, has been going on for decades, with no agreeable solution. ‘ ‘ ‘ Solution: Colleges will choose whom to admit by randomly drawing applicants’ names out of a hat. ‘ ‘ ‘ U.S. Economic Crisis: ‘ ‘ ‘ Problem: In case you haven’t heard, Wall Street sucks these days. A lack of regulation and a bunch of other economical things that I don’t understand have left politicians and economists alike frantically debating what our country needs to do in order to repair its current economic state. ‘ ‘ ‘ The leading solution was President’ .Bush’s proposed $700 billion bailout plan, which, though lauded by some, was seriously questioned by other Congressmen who feared its repercussions for the free-market system. Ultimately, the House rejected the plan 228 to 205. ‘ ‘ ‘ Solution: Sell Ohio to China. I’m not actually sure how this would help our economic crisis at all, but it would be nice to get rid of Ohio, which, let’s be honest, probably isn’t even worth $700 billion. ‘ ‘ ‘ Pollution: ‘ ‘ ‘ Problem: Pittsburgh was rated as the most polluted city in the United States this year, according to the American Lung Association. Though the city has tried to revitalize dying neighborhoods, clean up its rivers, dismantle factories and enact emission controls to curb pollution, it seems we can’t quite shake our dirty reputation. ‘ ‘ ‘ Solution: Dump all of our garbage into Ohio. Then sell Ohio to China. ‘ Got a problem? E-mail Molly for a useless solution at [email protected].