There are those who scoff at public transportation. It’s crowded. It’s loud. It’s dirty. Those… There are those who scoff at public transportation. It’s crowded. It’s loud. It’s dirty. Those people make outrageous claims, things like “the buses never seem to get anywhere on time” or “my legs always stick to the seat.”

These are lies – most likely propaganda spread by the campus bicyclists (watch out for them).

In Pittsburgh, the bus system is called the Port Authority, and it is a treasure to be cherished by all. Picture this: 22,000 pounds of assorted metal alloys and rubber waiting for you with open doors, ready to take you anywhere within the great land of Allegheny County like some giant gas-powered stallion. Thrilling, right?

Oh, yes, it’s hard not to get excited about the bus system, which has countless advantages that no car – and certainly no bike – can offer.

The most important perk: It’s free – after you pay a mandatory student transportation fee – for Pitt students. Just flash your pretty little Panther Card at a bus driver, and you’re in. You don’t pay for gas. You don’t pay for extravagant city parking fees. You don’t pay for anything. You’re a bus kid now, which means you roll fo’ free.

It’s convenient. Buses run approximately every half hour, depending on where you want to go. This is especially useful if you live off campus and need a fast, efficient way to get to class. Also, the buses are a great way to explore the city. Pittsburgh is a beautiful and interesting place, and the surrounding neighborhoods of Oakland all have their own great shops, restaurants and other attractions. There are several buses that run on both Forbes and Fifth avenues that go anywhere from Shadyside to Downtown to the North Hills.

It’s good for the environment. Yes, you’ve heard it all before, but using public transportation as opposed to a car reduces gas usage, which reduces greenhouse gas emissions, which reduces global warming, which reduces the melting of polar ice caps, tropical storms and certain impending doom for us all.

It offers endless entertainment. It’s an excellent time to catch up on reading, and there is a great chance that on any one given bus, there is at least one crazy person. Once, I heard a man scream into his cell phone, “I will destroy you and your family.” It was like a really intense, real-life version of “The Sopranos.”

Port Authority also has a distinct bus etiquette that must be followed with great dedication. As your tour guide into the illustrious world of the Port Authority, I thought I’d give you the dos and don’ts.

DO figure out when to show your Panther Card. This is a delicate matter. The general rule is that when going inbound (going toward Downtown), show the card as you get on. When going outbound (going away from Downtown), show the card as you get off.

DO pull the little yellow wire running across the top of the bus to designate your stop. This might seem like common sense but, before you judge, just know that some life-experience-deprived people – myself included – did not know this little fact before coming to our semi-urban campus, OK?

DO figure out the bus schedule in advance. The buses are never really on time, per se. But you can become very good at predicting when a bus will come. If you come about 10 minutes prior to the scheduled stop time, the bus will probably arrive soon.

DO give up your seat for the elderly when the bus is full. This is just a common courtesy, and if you don’t do it, you will get well-deserved mean looks from the rest of the passengers.

DO NOT sit by loud people on cell phones. Sometimes, it’s entertaining. Usually, it’s just annoying. Sorry, I can’t really give any advice on how to avoid these people. I would recommend bringing an mp3 player and headphones just in case.

DO NOT take the wrong bus. Look carefully at the name of the bus you are boarding. A lot of buses have similar names, for example the 71B and the 71D. On a sunny day, the letters kind of blur. And though they go in the same general area, you can end up quite far away from where you intend to go.

DO NOT miss your stop. Make sure you are aware of your surroundings at all times. For example, you could be entirely absorbed in reading a gripping article in The Pitt News – and who could blame you! – and the next thing you know, you could be miles away from where you are supposed to be.

Follow these rules, and you should have an easier college – and urban – experience. If not, there is an unfortunate possibility that someone will find you in a ditch somewhere with tread marks running up and down your body. Good luck!

DO e-mail Molly for more Port Authority tips at [email protected].