Like a short-lived Midwestern storm, the press tizzy building up David Beckham’s storied… Like a short-lived Midwestern storm, the press tizzy building up David Beckham’s storied arrival in the United States subsided quickly.

Thank God.

Not that I’m a hater – I love soccer. But don’t get it twisted: I don’t love Major League Soccer.

And I sure don’t love Beckham.

The lazy winger brings nothing to the United States and its poor-at-best professional soccer league but a face and cheery accent.

Granted, his wife is a former Spice Girl. He captained two English national teams in the World Cup, the greatest competition in sports. And there’s even a movie named for his incredible right foot.

But that’s it. That’s all he offers. He is not Pele in his prime. He’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards.

Beckham’s joining the MLS is the equivalent of Reggie Miller joining Spain’s pro basketball league. Sure, Miller shoots a mean 3-pointer, but that’s it. Miller can’t defend, he can’t create anything off the dribble, and he’s lazy.

Just like Beckham.

In his formative years in the English Premier League with Manchester United, Beckham earned fame with his sharply bent free kicks and perfect crosses from the wing. Just like Miller earned fame for his flopping and long-range abilities with the Pacers.

See the similarities?

Beckham will not, and isn’t capable of, changing American soccer. It’s nice for the MLS to finally have a notable spokesman for the league. It’s nice for soccer to have a recognizable face in the United States – sorry, Freddy Adu.

But that’s all Beckham is – a face.

He has done nothing but crumble under the spotlight. Well, I should clarify: He can’t produce on the field. And I guess that’s what he’s supposed to do, right? Play soccer?

His dismissal from England’s heated second-round match with Argentina in the 1998 World Cup put England down a man and cost the promising English team any chance of winning the Cup that year.

In the 2002 World Cup, when a critical tackle opportunity presented itself on Beckham’s side of the pitch, the pretty boy leaped over the fray. His meek effort led to an unstoppable Ronaldinho run which resulted in a game-breaking goal for Brazil and, in turn, another disappointing English exit from the World Cup.

Last summer, Beckham barely made it an hour in each of England’s games before a more effective winger had to come off the bench to spark England’s otherwise helpless offense.

The only impact he made on any English World Cup teams in the previous three World Cups came on set pieces and at press junkets.

At best, Beckham is a specialist. He is a liability on defense and physically unfit to maintain high levels of play. Much like the queen of the country from which he came, he is a figurehead and nothing more.

And a figurehead sure isn’t going to change this country’s mindset toward soccer, especially when this country is obsessed with cars driving in circles. I know it’s a sensitive subject, but Michael Vick deserves the indefinite suspension from the NFL. Pitt football is in for another long season. With three ranked teams in the Big East and a fourth receiving votes, there are arguably only three winnable conference games. TRIVIA: I’ll give you a hearty pat on the back, Roc, if you can tell me who owns the Pitt record for touchdowns in a season and how many he scored. LeSean McCoy is a stud. And with an extremely strong group of running backs returning to Pitt football this year, the Panthers’ rushing attack looks almost as good as the top backfields in the Big East. Props to former Pitt star Aaron Gray for making it into the NBA after a pair of great NBA summer league performances and proving, despite popular Oakland Zoo belief, that he can, in fact, make a layup. You know your city’s baseball franchise is in trouble when ESPN.com’s vote for the “Face of the Franchise” results in the choice of a player hitting .253 with 19 home runs and 81 RBIs. “Superbad” is hilarious. A recent poll on CNN.com: Nicole Richie’s 82 minutes in jail – did she get off too easy? I’m not kidding. Has anyone ever actually seen “The Closer,” or is TNT just imagining that its top show is cable’s No. 1 program? Nice to see some old feel-good stories finally getting starting jobs in the NFL: Damon Huard with the Chiefs and Joey Harrington with Falcons. It will be fun watching those teams coast to 6-10 or worse finishes. TRIVIA ANSWER: Tony Dorsett scored 23 touchdowns for Pitt in 1976. Ridiculous is a good word for that record.