Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is… Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is a work of fiction produced solely for entertainment value.

Iran: British sailor confesses to Lindbergh Kidnapping, Chicago Fire of 1871 By A. Abbott

TEHRAN, Iran – Iranian semi-official news agency Fars is reporting that one of the 15 British soldiers in Iranian custody has confessed to both the Lindbergh Kidnapping and the Chicago Fire of 1871.

In a written statement released yesterday, captured British sailor Joe Tindall admitted fault in both incidents.

“It is with great shame that I admit my complicity in both the kidnapping of Charles Lindbergh’s infant son and the setting of the Great Chicago Fire. Following the failed policies of George W. Bush and Tony Blair in Iraq, I have committed these grievous acts that I now greatly regret. I further regret that under these inauspicious circumstances, I have yet to sample local delicacies such as faludeh and khoresht, which far outstrip any similar culinary offering of the West. Additionally, the illegal manner in which my primitive sailing vessel sullied the waters of the mighty Arvandrud has prevented me from enjoying the fast-paced action of the Super Futsal League, which puts the comparatively low-skill English Premiere League to shame.”

The British government has responded angrily to the alleged confession, and indicated that should this situation not come to a swift and favorable resolution, they will continue to warn Iran sternly.

When asked if the use of Iran’s middle name in such a warning was a real possibility, British Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett replied, “Clearly, we are negotiating from a position of strength and all options remain on the table.” Beckett refused to comment on rumors that the band Coldplay has been offered in exchange for the captured sailors.

Campus Brief Guinness Book confirms world’s first environmentally impact-free lifestyle By A. Abbott and Annie Tubbs Staff Report

Jeremiah Quigley, a Pitt freshman, has successfully extricated himself from the chain of supply and demand, according to the Guinness Book of World Records.

Quigley no longer purchases anything, living only off of things he finds. During the winter, his food comes from Dumpster-diving and vegetables from his windowsill garden, which he fertilizes himself.

“Some people might think it’s gross,” he said. “It’s a perfectly natural bodily function, which is the most beautiful thing in the world. Unlike the war in Iraq, which is the most unnatural thing in the world.”

As a testament to Quigley’s dedication, he makes his clothes only from items he sheds from his own body.

“The sweater I’m wearing is made from my own hair,” Quigley said. “I grew it for six years to make this sweater.”

Quigley also follows a strict vegan diet. He did, however, have trouble giving up milk.

“It hasn’t always been easy. I realized the milk I was drinking came from conditions I could no longer condone,” he said. “I’m proud to say that since 2002, I’ve consumed only my own breast milk.”

Quigley’s dedication to the environment is exhibited in that he only rides a bike as a means of transportation. He refuses to ride just any bike, however. The bikes Quigley rides must be made exclusively by union labor from recycled materials.

He also donates his time every fifth Sunday by volunteering at the Philosophy Club soup kitchen.

“It’s such a great opportunity,” he said. “Although we don’t actually provide food, we do provide nourishment of the mind.”

Quigley’s next project is to build a car that runs only on hope and magic.

“We were really surprised when we heard of Jeremiah,” said Evan Dawson, executive editor of the Guinness Book of World Records. “This seemed like an almost insurmountable task. Unlike anyone else on this planet, he has completely freed himself not only from the laws of economics, but, it would appear, also from the laws of physics as well.”