Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is… Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2007 April Fools’ edition. It is a work of fiction produced solely for entertainment value.

Friday, March 17 *9:59 a.m. – Student reported caring about Student Goverment Board. Medics treated the student for dehydration. The incident was cleared.

*10:59 a.m. – Andy Grossman reported the theft of his favorite No. 2 Ticonderoga pencil. The incident was erased.

*3:37 p.m. – Non-affiliate robots Megatron 72, of no fixed address, Destructizor 8 Alpha, of Plum Township, X 1200 of Moon Township, and Roger, from “a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse,” were cited for public nudity. The incident was cleared, since no public decency standards exist for robots in Pennsylvania.

*7:39 p.m. – A part-time telemarketer and part-time debt collector reported receiving harassing phone calls. Officers referred complainant to the definition of “poetic justice” and “irony” in Webster’s English dictionary.

*8:42 p.m. – Someone reported seeing a large child in the William Pitt Union. No charges were filed.

*9:49 p.m. – Police arrested non-affiliate Richard M. Kool-Aid for busting through a wall on the 1,000 block of Semple Street and subsequently shouting, “Oh Yeah!” Kool-Aid was held on multiple counts of property damage.

*10:42 p.m. – A judicial board referral is being filed for possession of an unbelievable amount of marijuana in Sutherland Hall. Marijuana in question reported to be the “stickiest of the icky.”

*11:24 p.m. – An officer assisted city police and the Pittsburgh Fire Department with the quelling of a party in someone’s pants. No one was injured. The incident was cleared.

Saturday, March 18 *12:18 a.m. – An unidentified student was cited for underage drinking. In an effort to retrieve his ID, the student handed his beer to a friend, who was then cited for underage drinking.

*12:34 a.m. – Police spotted non-affiiliate Carmen San Diego, of no known address, attempting to steal the Cathedral of Learning with members of the gang V.I.L.E.

*10:48 a.m. – Officers arrested six women at Soldiers and Sailors Memorial for sunbathing in 50-degree weather. Local prosecutors will seek the death penalty. Incident was cleared.

*1:24 p.m. – A woman in the William Pitt Union reported the theft of her ski mask, crowbar and gun.

*8:43 p.m. – A student reported seeing a woman at the last Star Trek convention. Police searched the area and could not find the woman. Or any woman.

*9:59 p.m. – An officer pulled over a student for doing doughnuts on the William Pitt Union lawn. The student replied, “You are not in control unless you are out of control.” The officer shot the offending student. The incident was cleared.

Sunday, March 19 *12:47 a.m. – Police responded to reports of Arnold Schwarzenegger having his identity stolen. The incident was cleared when police realized it was only a bad movie.

*1:28 a.m. – Police assisted city police assisting state police assisting federal agents assisting secret police assisting local firefighters retrieving a cat from a tree. An investigation is pending.

*1:31 a.m. – Police responded to report that that an investigation was pending. The incident was cleared.

*9:16 a.m. – Four hundred psychology students in 121 David Lawrence Hall reported that the day’s Pitt News crossword puzzle was too difficult.