That’s it. I’ve had it. It’s about time that somebody took a stand against this great… That’s it. I’ve had it. It’s about time that somebody took a stand against this great injustice, and it looks like that somebody is going to be me. Take note that on Tuesday, Feb. 13, in the year 2007, I am officially declaring war on North Oakland.

The tensions have been growing for too long. Us South Oaklanders have heard all the jokes and are sick and tired of being treated like second-class citizens. We don’t need your arrogant, thumb-biting ways. If it weren’t for the Pete and Trees Hall, we’d consider secession. You say that you’re happy you don’t live in South Oakland? Well, good – so are we!

I’ve represented the Dirty South for two years now, and there’s nowhere I’d rather be. Sure, the houses are all slanted to the left and our windows are covered with bars. Sure, our pipes burst and our noses are filled with a thick, toxic stench every time we walk outside. And sure, we’re forced to live with the constant threat of random assault and robbery. But for us, it’s still home. Even the Garden of Eden had a snake problem.

But what’s so good about North Oakland, anyway? It might not be as dirty, but what it has in cleanliness, it is missing in character. Cops hang out on the corners and wait for someone to make noise. You have to walk uphill to get there (not that any of you guys would ever walk). In my opinion, North Oakland is just an Abercrombie ad with fewer morals.

While all you Northies have been sitting up in your hoity-toity mansions, sipping champagne for lunch and pretending that your sweat smells like lavender, the South has been organizing. We’ve had meetings. We’ve taken votes and set up militias. We’ve even gone to Antoon’s. Watch out, North. The Confederacy of South Oakland is ready, and we’re coming.

Our goals are clear. All we want to do is abolish the stigma that surrounds our glorious home. We want South Oakland and its inhabitants to get the respect they deserve. We just want our children to grow up in a time in which people don’t roll up their noses when they hear names like “Atwood,” “Dawson,” “Semple” or “Bates.”

Everybody I’ve ever talked to who’s lived in South Oakland is at least thankful for the experience. South Oakland is a community, and joining that community is like being a part of something special. Wandering around our streets is like walking through a family reunion – if you had a ridiculously large family that never really talked because they were bitter about going to class at 9:30 a.m. in sub-zero temperatures.

We all know that South Oakland is great, and it upsets us when outsiders just don’t see it. We may be insecure, but we’re still right. We’re like that guy with the really underrated girlfriend who always brings her up in conversations or tries to get their friends to hang out with her. We just want the North to understand our happiness, and if possible, develop a healthy amount of jealousy. Is that really asking for so much?

And because all we want is peace and understanding, we’re willing to fight to the death to achieve our goals. There aren’t any rocks to throw down here, so we’ll have to use what limited resources we have – hubcaps, red plastic cups and empty pizza boxes.

I wouldn’t recommend any Northies coming down here, crossing over the separating Jamie Dixon Line to the wilderness of the South. We know this landscape better than we know our landlords. We’ve memorized every urine-soaked alley and abandoned Peugeot factory. But seriously, you can’t drive down here – there’s nowhere to park.

Although I may not be the best person for the job of Robert E. Lee – there’s a decent chance that I’d go down the path of Benedict Arnold at the first sign of trouble – but somebody needs to stand up for South Oakland’s rights. We deserve respect. We deserve pride. At the very least, we don’t deserve to hear someone say “Don’t get stabbed,” every time we’re about to walk back home.

Now, we’ve heard war can be pretty rough, and with midterms coming up, the Confederacy would like to deal with this peacefully. Any representatives from the North can take the shuttle down to campus and meet us on Cathedral Lawn, which we will be transforming into our military headquarters. Come down and talk to us, and maybe we can try to work this out.

Here’s a hint: bring me a sandwich from one of the 18,000 delis up in North Oakland. That could seriously help negotiations.

E-mail Sam at [email protected] with any war donation, enlistment questions or surrenders.