The battle between the break and the breakup is about as controversial as the war in Iraq…. The battle between the break and the breakup is about as controversial as the war in Iraq. Here’s our take on the issue.

LERCH: I don’t think that breaks work. To me, a break is just an excuse for the person initiating it to hook up with other people. Once that happens, it just goes downhill from there, and the relationship won’t work again.

LA: I agree to some extent. Breaks are so confusing and you have to think about rules and guidelines to follow. Your time will be spent worrying about whether or not your break allows you to have sex with someone else or trying to analyze how long your break is going to last, which gives you no real time to figure out what you really wanted to get out of the break. Some people say that they are going on a break and set an actual time limit for when the break is going to be over, which I think is just silly because it is impossible to determine how long it is going to take to make a decision about whether or not to stay together.

LERCH: See, but I think when someone suggests a break, he doesn’t really think that there are going to be rules. That is the problem. Whatever looks good, he’s gonna want to pursue. It’s not fair to the other person for that to happen. This is why breaks become so complicated, because you have to decide whether to remain faithful even though you’re apart. It’s inevitable that the break will lead to jealousy, denial and mistrust.

LA: That’s the other thing that is really hard for people. A lot of the time, we’d rather hear or say the word “break” than “breakup” because it seems a lot less permanent and is easier to handle on both ends. But since the term is so vague, there is a lot of room for miscommunication and lingering feelings to get in the way of a relationship resolution.

LERCH: In my experiences, the point of a break is to take a designated time to work things out by giving each other space. What the heck is the point of space? It’s not possible to work out your relationship issues if your partner wants space and won’t see you or talk to you. I see absolutely no purpose.

LA: But needing space is different than taking a break. There are going to be times in any relationship where one person starts to feel overwhelmed or over-committed and needs to take a little time for herself by means of a vacation or a couple nights out with friends instead of her significant other. This, to me, is perfectly healthy. Relationships are never successful if the couple is leading one life instead of two. Acknowledge that this is important on both sides, because needing a little breathing room does not always mean that you’re no longer invested in the relationship.

LERCH: The problem is that it can get complicated to figure out the difference. That’s why I think that if you’re actually looking to get out of or make a major change in a relationship, I don’t think a break is an option. Your options include actually breaking up completely or stepping it up and working out your problems while you are still committed to each other. Obviously if you are in relationship, it’s for a reason, so tough it out together and not apart. If the problems aren’t fixable, just try to find it in you to move on before you hurt each other beyond repair.

LA: That being said, it is crucial to acknowledge and accept a breakup for what it is. Bottom line: If the person you are with doesn’t want to be with you anymore, it makes no sense for either of you to be in the relationship. Making a breakup final requires a time period of no contact, no sex and no attempts to reconnect. Not only does this give you time to realize what you really want, it allows you to move on and be able to experience new things and people. This is much easier said than done, but I truly believe that it is impossible to start a new, successful relationship with someone until your old one is completely over. And believe me, after you’ve had your heart broken, falling in love all over again will be that much better.

LERCH: Yeah, if the sex is good, it’s gonna be hard to give it up, but you have to if you ever want to move on to someone else. You also can’t attempt to be friends right away because of emotional attachment, but that’s not to say it’s not possible eventually. And there is always the chance that you’ll get back together after a breakup if it’s meant to be, but you can’t bank on that happening in the near future or you’ll never move on.

E-mail Leigh Ann and Keith at [email protected].