The classroom is a dangerous place. From the occasional pop quiz to the weekly schoolyard… The classroom is a dangerous place. From the occasional pop quiz to the weekly schoolyard fight to the all-too-familiar nuclear threat, students are constantly subjecting themselves to a barrage of life-threatening dangers.

I, for one, have never felt safe in a classroom. Ever. The whole time I was in school, I sat at my plastic desk wondering, “Instead of learning how to read or how to put numbers together, why aren’t we being taught how to fight back against terrorists or global warming?” At least in the ’50s, they got the “duck and cover” video. Thankfully I made it out of high school without injury, but what about the students who are still on the front lines? Luckily, one school district has an answer.

The school district of Burleson, Texas, has taken measures to prevent classroom danger. Students are being trained to fight back if a gunman should enter the school. An article from the ABC News Web site explains that this new lesson was designed by two Texas security experts who are members of an organization called Response Options. Among these experts is a man named Robin Browne, a major from the British Army. According to Browne, students and teachers should be willing to place themselves in the line of fire in the event of an attack.

If a gunman does enter a classroom, students are supposed to immediately begin throwing things at the assailant and storming him. Anything accessible is a potential defensive weapon. Textbooks, staplers, rulers or chalk – whatever means necessary. Browne admits that this defense does carry risks, as the first students to charge may end up dead. However, if this saves the lives of some other students, surely the parents of the deceased will understand.

Finally we have a school district with the guts to turn its middle school children into effective military battalions. It is no surprise that the first schools to impose such a program are in Texas, a state that allows deadly force to protect personal belongings and also has one of the highest numbers of death row inmates in the country. It seems as though Texas is the only state that has the courage to place seventh graders in front of a gun-toting madman. Frankly, I’m somewhat surprised that Texas classrooms even have textbooks. But if Texans won’t be reading their textbooks, they can at least throw them at bad guys.

While this program is a good start, there are improvements that could be made to make our schools safer. It has already been seriously suggested that we give teachers the option of carrying concealed weapons, but I don’t think that is enough. I believe that teachers and students should be trained to ride wild animals like bears, tigers and possibly cougars. These animals would be trained to maul any dangerous person in their path. They would also make great recess playmates.

Another possibility would be the use of trap doors leading to lava pits. Teachers will have a button under their desk, and when an intruder enters a classroom, the teacher pushes the button, sending the evildoer to a fiery fate. Schools that cannot gain access to lava could alternatively use aquariums containing sharks, barracudas and maybe even a candiru.

Some people may wonder why measures like this self-defense program are being offered instead of more effective security or use of metal detectors. They may ask why we don’t offer counseling to troubled or threatening teens, or why we don’t start other programs to stop this violence before it even roots itself in the minds of young people. These people might wonder why we are trying to strike fear into the hearts of students instead of comforting them. Does frontier justice really act as a more effective weapon against school shootings than just working to prevent violence in the first place?

It is a simple matter of nature vs. nurture. Nature will always prevail. Should we turn our students into a bunch of liberal hippy pacifists?

Absolutely not.

The program that this Texas school district has laid out will successfully put a stop to senseless violence in the classroom and save a couple of students who gave their lives to save others. Tragedies like Columbine and the shooting of the Amish students should not and do not need to happen. While the rest of the country acts like sitting ducks, Texas children will be ready to hurl their American history books at the faces of evil. What better way to prevent violence than to teach it to everyone?

Escape from the classroom and e-mail Josh at [email protected].