Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously…. Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously.

Friday, March 17

9:59 a.m. – Student reported caring about Student Goverment Board. Medics treated the student for dehydration. The incident was cleared.

3:37 p.m. – Non-affiliate robots Megatron 72, of no fixed address, Destructizor 8 Alpha, of Plum Township, X 1200 of Moon Township, and Roger, from “a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse,” were cited for public nudity. The incident was cleared, since no public decency standards exist for robots in Pennsylvania.

7:39 p.m. – A brain-eating zombie reported receiving harassing phone calls.

8:42 p.m. – Someone reported seeing a large child in the William Pitt Union. No charges were filed.

9:49 p.m. – Police arrested nonaffiliate Reginald Q. Dumpheimer, of 630 Reginald’s-not-a-real-name Ave., on a poorly worded warrant.

10:42 p.m. – A judicial board referral is being filed for possession of an unbelievable amount of marijuana in Sutherland Hall. Marijuana in question reported to be the “stickiest of the icky.”

11:24 p.m. – An officer assisted city police and the Pittsburgh Fire Department with the final level of “Halo.”

Saturday, March 18

12:18 a.m. – An unidentified student was cited for underage drinking. In an effort to retrieve his ID, the student handed his beer to a friend, who was then cited for underage drinking.

12:34 a.m. – Police spotted non-affiiliate Carmen San Diego, of no known address, attempting to steal the Cathedral of Learning with members of the gang V.I.L.E.

10:48 a.m. – Officers assisted city police in arresting three of the six protesters on the 3700 block of Forbes Avenue.

1:24 p.m. – A woman in the William Pitt Union reported the theft of her ski mask, crowbar and gun.

Sunday, March 19

12:47 a.m. – Police responded to reports of Arnold Schwarzenegger having his identity stolen. The incident was cleared when police realized it was only a bad movie.

1:28 a.m. – Police assisted city police assisting state police assisting federal agents assisting secret police assisting local firefighters retrieving a cat from a tree. An investigation is pending.

1:31 a.m. – Police responded to report that that an investigation was pending. The incident was cleared.

9:16 a.m. – Four hundred psychology students in 121 David Lawrence Hall reported that the day’s Pitt News crossword puzzle was too difficult.