Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously…. Editor’s Note: This story is part of the April Fools’ issue and is not to be taken seriously.

Dear Editor:

I’d like to begin by thanking The Pitt News for its efforts to foster communication between the administration and the students of this great university. Recently, however, certain items of great concern to me have warranted my personally addressing the student body in this manner. These matters affect all Pitt students. Please do give them your careful attention.

1. Each Friday from here forward, there is to be a loyalty rally at noon on the lawn of the Cathedral. At the rally, the students shall present me with burnt offerings and sing hymns of my greatness. Any student not in attendance will be sentenced to a minimum of two weeks in the Cathedral dungeon.

2. If you should happen to be lucky enough to encounter me in public, cast your eyes downward and do not address me with anything other than “Good day, most esteemed Chancellor, Sir.”

3. Do not park in my reserved spot in front of the Cathedral. If a student’s car is found illegally in my spot, he or she will be ticketed and the car will be towed. Moreover, his or her University transcript will be completely expunged and his or her memory will be erased from the minds of friends and loved ones.

If you, the students, heed these simple words of guidance, I know that we can make the University of Pittsburgh a great place to live, learn and love.

Hail to Pitt!

Chancellor Mark A. Nordenberg.