Beerday, Happy hour

12.01 a.m. — A student complained that beer specials were not… Beerday, Happy hour

12.01 a.m. — A student complained that beer specials were not up to par. Investigation is pending.

1:47 a.m. — Three male students complained that a bar was asking them to leave. The students, who assured police that their collective age was more than 21, said they would conduct their own investigation.

9:02 a.m. — A male student reported that there was someone strange in his bed. An investigation is pending.

10:34 a.m. — A female student reported the loss of her dignity the night before.

2:78 p.m. — A student reported a severe case of taste loss, and said that no treatment would work. Police advised him that all light beers really suck.

5:87 p.m. — A nonaffiliate reported a breach of contract. He said he had bought season football tickets but, instead of seats, was just sent a request for more money.

9:02 p.m. — Someone reported an exceptionally cute dog on Forbes Avenue. The incident was cleared.

11:35 p.m. — A Pitt basketball coach was cited for grand theft hair gel at the Rite Aid on Atwood Street. Investigation pending.

Beerday 2, Happier hour

1:02 a.m. — Officers found a dead body in the Cathedral of Learning. Upon further investigation, they discovered that it was the senior class’ drive to succeed.

1:06 a.m. — Police sighted a Pitt athlete holding two cans of Natty Light with one hand. They advised the athlete to drink responsibly and always keep two hands on the beer.

1:25 a.m. — A group of girls reported that a strange man dressed as cookie monster directed them into a nearby bar and then solicited their votes for mayor of Pittsburgh.

10:33 a.m. — Someone reported a stench coming from PNC Park. Further investigation revealed that the source of the smell was the Pirates’ bullpen.

12:45 p.m. — A student reported that he could not find the food carts. Bill Peduto, sensing an opportunity to gain the zero votes of the college community, arrived on the scene instantly and gave him some matar paneer.

7:68 p.m. — Police cited Thomas Brady, of New England, for crushing the hopes and dreams of the entire city of Pittsburgh.

9:34 p.m. — Police responded to a report that a short-haired man was urinating in every seat at Heinz Field.

11:12 p.m. — Officers cited a herd of scantily clad female freshmen, who were walking through a snowdrift, for re-enforcing a stereotype.